Chris Phillips

Music to Make Write to 2/7

2012-02-07T05:58:00.004-06:00

Here are some songs to add to your playlist.  This one is from me:

This one is from Janet Sumner Johnson:

This is a band Kelly Pollark is listening to:

Some 3 for Alex:

What are you listening to while writing/blogging/brainstorming this week?

-Chris

Music to Make Write to:

2012-01-24T06:00:00.000-06:00

This is what I'm listening to.  You?

-Chris 

Glasschord Part 2

2012-01-09T06:00:00.001-06:00

I got my second piece, entitled, ADHD 1500 published to Glasschord.com Online Arts and Culture Magazine.  This one is Creative Nonfiction.  Check it out!  Feel free to help me spread the word and tell everyone you know about the best creative nonfiction thingy you've ever read, k?  

Also, Sorry I've been aloof as of late.  My life is still a hot mess, but is coming back into focus.  It'll pan out eventually.  Hope all is well with everyone else.  Happy writing.

-Chris

New Years Resolmolution 2012

2012-01-01T14:23:00.000-06:00

Happy New Years Everybody!  The Mayans say we're all gonna die this year, so be sure to live it up and stuff.  This year I'm going to compile a pretty hefty list of resolutions.  It's generally a pretty good idea when making resolutions to narrow it down to one or two, and make a focused plan for success.  But since no one ever keeps these things anyway, I've decided to fail big and hard in 2012.  Here's my list:

In 2012 I resolve to:  

-Add 15lbs of muscle to each bicep

-Take over Central America

-Become a big time author, with my own fan club. 

-Learn Mandarin Chinese (pick up lines and swear words)

-Start a meat goat farm

Seems simple enough.  I'm going to pre-load my New Years 2013 post, since pretty much I'll be too dead from the Mayapocalypse to write it then.  

-Chris

De Ja Vu Blogest:

2011-12-16T06:00:00.000-06:00

Today's Post is a part of The Deja Vu Blogfest. I decided to participate because of how lazy it is. All you gotta do is repost your favorite blog post or one you didn't think was fully appreciated at the time. So I've chosen my live blog of the Hunger Games. Pretty under appreciated as far as genius/and getting to see the reading process unfold goes. Hope you love it this time around.

---

I've decided to finally read Hunger Games this week.  Pretty spectacular.  I have already read 80 pages.  I will live blog as I read the rest.  Pretty sure that's never been done.  Another first brought to you by Chris Phillips.

11:21 - Found a typo on pg 117.  tsk tsk scholastic.

12:20 - I like how they weave romance in here without making me gag. 

2:34 - Decided the game makers should have had a huge plastic hippo devour a tribute, then rename the book The Hungry Hungry Games.  

2:45 - Had to look up copse. Who uses that word ever? "Hey I gotta pee, but like, I'm outside." "Just go find a copse!" not likely, all I'm saying.

3:10 - Almost died in a deck chair mishap. On Chapter 17 now.

3:25 - I just looked up the song Katniss sings hoping it would be a real song I could listen to. Disappointment. Others on youtube have made a version. Kind of scary.

3:52 - The rule change seems kind of out of place so far.

4:12 - Now it fits better.

5:07 - completely unrelated. My wife just hooked up our new dvr and it's set for 1980. Did they even have dvr's yet? Heck, they didn't even have Nintendo. Wait a minute! Is my dvr a time machine? Great Scott! I'm at the feast.

7:54 - Done. Plotting a way to get book two tomorrow. Need to eat now.

Clean Bill of Health

2011-12-14T23:33:00.000-06:00

If you've been by the blog in the last two days (you're probably a googlebot) you may have noticed a warning page about malware and herpes and other atrocious things you could get by coming here.  I guess a website I linked to a year ago got hacked and so the picture link would have unloaded a virus to anyone who read that post.  Whoops.  Got er fixed, so now my blog should just be dormant instead of contagious.  Hope all is well with you peoples. 

-Chris 

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: Christmas Season

2011-12-01T12:01:00.000-06:00

This week's letter comes to us from Steve in Wichita, KS.  Steve writes:

What's the most annoying thing about Christmas?

First of all, you are probably dead from blaspheming the infant Messiah's B-day.  But if not, let me tell you that there are quite a few things amiss about the season as a whole.  First off there are the people who whine and complain about those who take the season out of context.  Christmas is a holiday made up by the Catholic church to offset pagan festivals.  The Winter festival is offset by Xmas, the Spring festival is offset by Easter.  The Festival of Sobriety and Moderation is offset by St. Patty's Day and so forth.  Nowhere in the Bible does it say to celebrate Xmas or how to.  It does however say, "Though shall not kill," so think about that before going to the Christmas tree farm... murderers!  

Also there are the people who complain about how much weight they will gain because of the holiday season.  Ham and stuffing taste the exact same in August as they do in November and December.  No one is making you eat.  Note how Aunt Bessie stopped trying to get you to eat more of her (in)famous pistachio Jello mold a decade ago.

But most of all there is the lingering memory of not getting a pony from Santa when I was six.  Sure, you may say, "But he gave you one when you were seven!"  Great, but I really wanted one the year before and it still stings a little, you know.  Great question, Steve.  Now it's everyone else's turn.  What bugs you about Christmas? 

-Chris

String Bridge Magical Mystery Tour: InteReview

2011-11-20T06:00:00.009-06:00

Jess Bell is with us this today to snarkily answer some questions about her debut novel, String Bridge. But first here is my review, also on Goodreads: *spoiler alert* The spoiler is that I'm mediocre at writing reviews, I don't actually give away anything plot wise.

String Bridge is author Jessica Bell's debut offering. It is a terrific portrayal of Melody, a career oriented mom who longs for more. With semi-dashed dreams, an unappreciative spouse, and unbalanced parents, an uncertainty about a promotion at work and her husband's secretive behavior drive 'Mel' to an emotional boiling point.

I enjoyed every minute and appreciate the way Bell wrote about very relatable topics. I'm not much for Women's lit, but I will be checking out future books from this author. Bell, who in addition to being an author is also a poet and musician, uses her skills to weave both poetry and lyricism into her descriptions of mundane everyday struggles that anyone could relate to. While the issues facing the main character are unique, i.e. bipolar mother, secretive music-promoter husband, each one is written about in a completely relatable and tangible way.

There is also an accompanying music CD released simultaneously entitled ‘Melody Hill – On the Other Side’ that is also definitely worth a checking out.

On to the ?'s:
1. Tell us about the idea behind String Bridge, How did it come to you, did it come all at once, while you were sleeping, canoeing, etc.?

I woke up one morning and decided to become a best-selling novelist so I wrote a book about the first thing that came to mind … um … that’s how it always works, doesn’t it? Hey, btw, got any cash to donate to my New York Times Bribery Fund?

2. String Bridge is about a Greek Aussie who writes music and has cooky musicians for parents. You are a Greek Aussie who writes music and poetry and have cooky musicians for parents. How did you differentiate your character from yourself, how did you draw from yourself?

Well, I’m actually German/Aussie! Ha! My step father is Greek, but I haven’t got any Greek blood in me. As for the parents, well, yeah, my parents are kinda cooky, but in a much nicer and wittier way than Betty and James. Do you really think Betty and James are cooky? I actually think they’re a nightmare …

How did I draw from myself? Um … I took a few slow backward steps, but then realized that my body was following and I gave up.

3. Your descriptions of everyday things from your character's viewpoint are incredibly vivid and insightful. Do you write those kinds of things down in a notebook or do they just come to you as you're writing.

Just as I’m writing. They come knocking on my door like trick-or-treaters.

4. Why did you chose Lucky Press, How did you discover them?

With lots of luck and pressing of keys …

5. Is this like totally your favorite writing blog ever?

Yeah, like, whatever …

6. Multiple choice: If you could go have drinks with any of the following people who would it be and why?
a) Justin Bieber
b) Mel Gibson
c) Whoopie Goldberg
d) Janis Joplin
e) Jack Kerouac

Janis Joplin, to ask her, “Does the number 27 have any significance?”

Thanks again for being here, and writing such a wonderful novel!

-Chris

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: Sparking Carrots

2011-11-17T06:00:00.000-06:00

Be sure to get your hard-hitting questions answered by a pro!  You can also email them to me or put them in the comments and I'll answer them too, so you'll know how to live the rest of your life correctly*.  

This week's question comes from Jen in Omaha, NE.  Jen writes:

Why do carrots spark in the microwave? I'm trying to steam them in a steam bag.

Jen,

First question seems obvious, but should still be asked, did you seal the bag using the handy zipper, or did you staple it shut?  Because that's happened to me once and not only did it blow a hole in the side of my microwave, but the staples burned the tips of my fingers when I tried to open the bag.  I know I should have been more concerned about my defunct appliance, but I figured if I was out a microwave, I was gonna eat some steamed carrots to cope with it all.  But if you used the bag's seal it could be "arcing" due to what is in the carrots.  

According to the USDA:

"Some foods such as raw carrots and hot dogs can cause arcing while being microwaved. In hot dogs, this can be due to the uneven mixing of salts and additives. In carrots, it can be due to the minerals in the soil in which they were grown."

My question is what "additives" they add to hotdogs to make them spark?  My guess is that, unless you eat Goldschlager brand hotdogs, it's lead.  The USDA advises that you turn off your microwave instead of standing in front of it.  Good idea, fellas  I'm pretty sure they're still safe to eat.  After all Iron Man had an arc reactor in his chest in both Iron Man movies and he seems to be doing okay.  

-Chris

*Legal disclaimer: I am actually a moron. Please don't actually ever do anything I tell you, unless you're drunk, and I have your permission to twitvid it and make you an internet sensation. But mostly just don't listen to me.

Music To Make Write To: Request Line

2011-11-14T06:00:00.006-06:00

Hi, kids!  More request line!  Just send me what you're listening to while writing, painting, macrameing or whatever is that voodoo that you do so well. You can send them via email or comments.

This week's requests come from Man O'Clay (1)  E. J. Wesley(2)and Jessica Bell (3(Go buy her new book!)

-Chris

Chart Rush!

2011-11-11T06:00:00.002-06:00

Today is THE day to help Jessica Bell's debut, STRING BRIDGE, hit
the bestseller list on Amazon, and receive the all-original soundtrack, Melody Hill: On the Other Side, written and performed by the author herself, for free!

All you have to do is
purchase the book today (paperback, or eBook), November 11th, and
then email the receipt to:

jessica.carmen.bell(at)gmail(dot)com

She will
then email you a link to download the album at no extra cost!

To purchase the paperback:

Amazon USA

To purchase the eBook:

Amazon USA

Amazon UK

To listen to samples of the soundtrack, visit iTunes.

If you are
not familiar with String Bridge,
check out the book trailer:

Rave Reviews for String Bridge:

“Jessica Bell’s STRING BRIDGE strummed the fret of my
veins, thrummed my blood into a mad rush, played me taut until the final page,
yet with echoes still reverberating. A rhythmic debut with metrical tones of
heavied dark, fleeting prisms of light, and finally, a burst of joy—just as
with any good song, my hopeful heartbeat kept tempo with Bell’s narrative.” ~ Kathryn Magendie, author of Sweetie and Publishing Editor of Rose & Thorn Journal

“Poet and
musician Jessica Bell's debut novel String Bridge is a rich exploration of desire, guilt, and the
difficult balancing act of the modern woman. The writing is lyrical throughout,
seamlessly integrating setting, character and plot in a musical structure that
allows the reader to identify with Melody's growing insecurity as her world
begins to unravel … String Bridge is
a powerful debut from a promising writer, full of music, metaphor, and just a
hint of magic.” ~ Magdalena Ball, author of Repulsion
Thrust and Sleep Before Evening

“Jessica Bell is a brilliant writer
of great skill and depth. She doesn't pull back from the difficult
scenes, from conflict, pain, intensity. She puts it all out there, no holds
barred, no holding back. She knows how to craft a scene, how to develop
character, how to create suspense. This is an absolutely brilliant debut novel.
I look forward to reading her
next novel, and next and next.” ~ Karen Jones
Gowen, author of Farm Girl, Uncut Diamonds and House of Diamonds

"It's like... super good." ~Chris Phillips, author of Fishsticks are People Too, a Memoir.

Connect with Jessica:

String Bridge: http://www.stringbridge.com/

Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/jessica_bell

Website: http://www.jessicacbell.com/

Blog: http://thealliterativeallomorph.blogspot.com/

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/author.jessica.bell

Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/MsBessieBell

Publisher: http://www.luckypress.com

Please TWEET and/or FACEBOOK this post using #StringBridge!

Jess said we could add to this announcement if we wanted, so here's a picture of a Kraken!

This is what will happen if you don't buy her book, only to your face! Yeah!

-Chris

Wise New Sayings 11/9

2011-11-09T06:00:00.006-06:00

These are coming to you by request.  If you have an old saying you want revised, email it to me or put it in the comments.  

Wise old saying:

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Wise new saying:

"Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, your frenemies REALLY close (like almost touching,) and your aquaintances at medium distance, between 8-15 ft approximately."

Wise old saying:

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away"

Wise new saying:

"An apple a day... will eventually lead to malnutrition. You should really eat some other stuff too."

Wise old saying:

"If you are not part of the cure, then you are part of the problem."

Wise new saying: 

"If you are not part of The Cure, then you are part of the problem.  However far away I will always love you.  I will always love you."

-Chris

Music To Make Write To: Request Line

2011-11-07T06:00:00.001-06:00

Sup, Party people? This week on Music to Make Write to we are featuring three songs requested by you, the posters. We will continue to do this until you stop making requests, so probably for a week and a half. If you want to let us know what you listened to while writing lately, put it in the comments or email that stuff and... poof! It will magically be here next week.

This weeks' songs come to us by way of Trisha (vids 1,3) and Crystal Cook (vid 2)

&lt;p&gt;&amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;gt;To&lt;/p&gt;

L8ter, party peoples!

-Chris

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: A Warning

2011-11-03T06:00:00.000-05:00

It's time for the ole Mailbag again, kiddos!  A time honored tradition where I answer your hard hitting questions sent to me via email or comments.  So remember, if you want a questions answered be sure to put it in the comments of this post or to send it in via email.  

This week's question comes from Lydia Kang in Counciltucky, Iowa.  Lydia writes:

Dear Chris,
I saw 18 turkeys walking around in my yard today. It's November.

Should I warn them? About, you know...a certain holiday coming up that involves, er, gravy?

-Lydia

Lydia,

Let me begin this response by explaining a common holiday misconception.  Basically every holiday should involve gravy in some way, if you are doing it right.  Not just Thanksgiving.  Think about it.  Thanksgiving needs gravy, sure.  But what about Christmas?  Now I know right now you are thinking, That's only two holidays, what about Yom Kippur?  You aren't even supposed to eat on Yom Kippur!  You are to be fasting!  And while that is true, what do you think observers break the 25 hour fast with?  That's right, gravy.  Have you ever had unleavened bread dry?  And I don't even need to get into how much more fun Groundhog Day is with gravy, now do I?

As for the turkeys, you should warn them.  It's only fair.  Now how to warn them?  Hmm.  We need something loud enough for them all to hear and get it.  I know!  a pump action shotgun!  That should warn them!  Though I guess you'd only technically be warning 17/18 turkeys.  Oh well.

-Chris

Need Your Input

2011-11-01T09:40:00.000-05:00

Hi.  So I was thinking about taking this blog back up on a more regular basis.  But I need your help.  What I really need, is for you guys to do it for me.  So if you have a song  you write to that you want to share, comment that stuff.  If you have a wise old saying you want me to mock, comment that stuff.  If you have a question I can use for a mailbag post, comment that too.  

In the meantime, I used this song while writing yesterday:

Also a wise old saying:

"A bird in hand is worth two in the bush."

A wiser new saying:

"Two birds in the bush will not poop in my hand.  They can poop in the bush, that's totally cool with me."

A mailbag post, this one from Gary in Crete, Nebraska.  Gary writes:

Why don't you answer my questions I keep writing you? It's like you are ignoring me! Are you ignoring me? How dare you?!

Thanks, Gary.  Well that's all for now, if you want more, you're going to have to help me out with some questions, sayings, or songs.  Have a good week.  

-Chris

Music To Make Write To

2011-10-28T17:14:00.001-05:00

Hey, Bloggies.  Sorry again that I'm never here.  Life's still having a pretty good time kicking my balls.  Anyway, be sure and check out my flash fiction up now on The Glasschord if you haven't done so already.

While you write, listen to this stuff.  It will make people like you more:

-Chris

Apologies

2011-10-11T19:38:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry I don't post much any more.  It's not because I don't like you.  don't get me wrong, I don't like you, but that isn't why I'm not posting.  Life's been rough lately.  Here's a graphic to demonstrate.

I'm the guy on the right. Life is the guy on the left. Anyway, my goal in addition to finding a job is to finish repairing my manuscript this week and send it out to a couple agents next week. Then I'm going to try and write out a Picture book M.S. that's been floating around in my head also as I await more kick in the crotch style rejections.

Rejection. Rejection, Re-je-ec-tion. A horrible way to die. A horrible way to die. Rejection, reje-ec-tion... A Horrible way to die!

Anyway, what is going on with you guys?

-Chris

Important Announcements!

2011-10-04T07:29:00.000-05:00

Remember how I said there would be an announcement, and then it never came, and you asked where it was, and I broke down crying, and then It still didn't come, and you asked me to get off your lawn in kind of a tone?  Well now it has happened (the thing, not me getting off your lawn!)  So I will not get off your lawn!  

Check out my flash fiction work at Glasschord!  The story is one I wrote for my creative writing class and really isn't the kind of writing I do on the regular, but it's always fun to see your work go places and feel like a real writer.   

If you've never checked out Glasschord Magazine before, I encourage it, and not just because they had the wisdom and foresight to use my stuff.  It's a great magazine that features amazing artists, musicians, and writers you won't currently find elsewhere.  

Have a great rest of the week.

-Chris

Important Announcement Coming Tomorrow! (I think.. maybe)

2011-09-30T18:37:00.000-05:00

You might be saying to yourself, "Self, where did that Chris Phillips guy go?  He should get off of his lazy butt and post something.  There is no leeway for posting irregularly in this economy!"  And I think that's a bit harsh and deserves a bit more consideration, but I haven't posted in awhile and wanted to let you know that I am going to post tomorrow (most likely) and announce something really neat (if that something happens) so be, like, really ready for it.

K?

-Chris

Worst Movies Blogfest

2011-09-19T06:00:00.014-05:00

Good Morning.  It's time for another Alex J. Cavanaugh signature blogfest!  Today I'll take you on a magical journey through the worst 10 movies I remember watching.  I'll be honest.  I have a decent eye for movies.  Mostly I avoid movies I know will be bad.  The Mrs. on the other hand?  Not so much.  Her picks account for a majority of the worst movies I've ever watched, some so bad I can't even recall them to put them on the list.  Here's what I do remember:

10 Captain America

This one was terrible because it completely blindsided me.  Good actor and cast overall.  Great previews... and then Bam!  Let's fight over a Norse Crystal of Legend during WWII with giant unrealistic tanks and bad laser effects.  Come on Marvel!  You just made a good Thor movie.  How hard can this be?

9  G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra

Tough concept, but still.

8  Steel Magnolias

I know there are some out there who would argue this pick.  I had to watch this in 8th grade.  The teacher (who I'm pretty sure was evil) put these movie on a list for us to vote off of:

-Tommy Boy

-Billy Madison

-Steel Magfrickenolias

Knowing the guys would split their vote the girls got their way.  I immediately left the classroom after and punched a kid and peed on a fire hydrant just to regain a small fraction of my lost manhood.

7 Ghost Ship

Yawn. 

6

Transformers 2:  Revenge of the Fallen

Spoiler alert!  The revenge of the fallen is that you have to sit through this movie.  shhh.  don't tell.

5  Babylon A.D. 

Vin Diesel in a sci-fi?  Worked in Pitch Black.  Not here.  It's one of those where you go, wait! What???  That's the "plot?"

4  Larry The Cable Guy:  Health Inspector

The pride of Nebraska right here.  The film opens with Larry peeing in the shower.  It pretty much doesn't get any better from there.  After watching it I wrote a letter to the studio asking them to change the copy on the cover to, "They'll give anyone a movie."  Did not take.

3 9th Gate 

I've never laughed so hard or long at the ending of a movie.  Literally five minutes.  This movie is great for 9/10's of it and then bam!  Wait a minute... it does suck!  And it's so jarring it's comical.  Almost worth a watch just for that.

2 2012

Because of my VIP hollywood access I was able to procure a copy of the original script for this movie.  Ready?  K.  

2012

[The earth splits open.  Insert 1.5 hours of cgi effects.]

Cast:  Oh noes!  Ahhh!  Save us and stuff!

[They all get on Armageddon boats.  One narrowly misses Mt. Everest, which is now a small peak sticking out of the ocean. There is an emotional speech about how if we can't save everyone why even go on?  Insert more cgi.]

Emotional speech giver:  If we can't save everyone why even go on? 

Cast:  Oh noes!  Save us more!

[At the last minute they miss the peak and don't die.]

Cast: Yay!

fin'

1 Valentines Day

 This movie was worse because we watched it with friends.  Both girls thought it looked great.  I had to explain to my wife that if the preview flaunts the actors, has no good quotes, and you still don't know what it's about at the end of the preview... don't pick it.

That's my list.  It's infallible.  L8ter. 

Next person on the tour: Lydia

-Chris

Happy Birthday to Blog! Choose Your Own Adventure

2011-09-16T06:00:00.003-05:00

My blog is one year old today.  Just like a real-life human one year older my blog is cute, wiggly, and smells like milk is oozing out of both ends!  BTW you were supposed to get me presents.  Jerks.

That's okay.  Not really, but I'm moving on.  Mostly because you're still getting me a present.  

Your present to me (unless you want to FedEx me cupcakes) is to choose your own adventure by picking a classic Chris Phillips blog post and then telling me how great it was and how much my blog means to you and the such.  Because remember, the greatest sitcoms of all time run clip montage shows when they run out of funny yet touching plot-lines or they just want to take a break but still cash checks.  This is like that only without clips or a moral or my blog being a sitcom.  

Here are your choices for classic postage:

Word Choice

Puppy

Face Palm

Mailbag

The Legend of Rick 

As always, choosing more than one will increase your risk of getting nipple infections by more than 42.7%

-Chris

First Campaigner Challenge

2011-09-08T16:47:00.000-05:00

This is a part of the first Campaigner Challenge.

If you are not a Campaigner, you will have to come back another time as the challenges are all a big secret.  I'm not even supposed to tell you how secret they are.

Anyway, here's the rules:

Write a short story/flash fiction story in 200 words or less, excluding the title. It can be in any format, including a poem. Begin the story with the words, “The door swung open” These four words will be included in the word count.

If you want to give yourself an added challenge (optional), use the same beginning words and end with the words: "the door swung shut." (also included in the word count)

My entry:

The door swung open. Bill peeked his head around the door frame.

"What are you doing in here?" he asked.

"Nothing."

"You sure? You dashed out of the room in such a hurry." Bill gave an inquisitive sniff of the air. His brow narrowed and a frown spread across his lips to match the shape.

"Ahh. Eww!"

"Sorry. Polish food."

The door swung shut.

Have a nice weekend.

-Chris

Exclamation Points!

2011-09-07T06:00:00.005-05:00

Most authors shy away from exclamation points because they get that if their sentence has meaning, they don't need to dumb it down by pointing it out!  Also it makes the reader feel like they are being shouted at if you use them often!  But then again, maybe the reader deserves it!  It can also make you feel a little stupid if the author felt the need to use ! to tell you the sentence was important!

In quality writing exclamation points are primarily used in dialog to indicate tone or expression! Most of us would agree this is the correct usage! One exception is that kids books use them to show sentences that are more important or weighty than others!

While that makes sense, I also think we confuse kids with how we teach exclamation points! As a second/first grade teacher I taught some of the more basic building block types of writing lessons kids get in school! For my grade levels there were four traits we looked at on a rubric! Those traits were, Ideas/Content, Organization, Voice, and Conventions! The rubric went to 4 points total! My last district put a high emphasis on voice (and then proceeded to teach voice poorly!) Basically if they didn't have two or more exclamation points, they dropped from a 4 to a 2, which is failing!

Because, how do you know kids really meant what they wrote if they haven't thrown exclamation points like confetti all over their page?! Sometimes you could justify it back up to a 3 if you argued a bunch, but according to the rubric it was a two! So after awhile kids just started ending sentences with them! If that doesn't get adequately taught out of them later in life they won't know any better! I don't remember learning the proper usage of them until college!

You may or may not have noticed by now that all of my sentences end with an exclamation point! That is because everything I'm saying is important and noteworthy!

One other important note about exclamations is that they are much funnier if you make a long line of them and toss in a 1 here and there like you got really excited while typing them in!!!!!1!!111!

I would ask what you thought about exclamation points here but then my sentence would end in a question mark instead of this guy -->!

-Chris!

Guerilla Operations North American Defense Squadron of the Future, subtitled: A Long Line of G.O.N.A.D.S.

2011-09-05T06:00:00.003-05:00

*This is a mock query I posted on the World's Worst Query Forum at Querytracker.net*

Dear Agent,

It is the future now. War has ravaged what is left of The United States of America. A really bad war! It is up to Duke Manchild's great grandson, also named Duke Manchild, to resurrect G.O.N.A.D.S. (Guerilla Operations North American Defense Squadron) in order to set things right once again. Duke and the newly assembled G.O.N.A.D.S. team of heroes must fight an evil organization known only as S.H.R.I.N.K.A.G.E (Shadow Hessian Remnants Infiltrating National Kombat Agencies to Grow Evil.) And just like it always seems to go for the G.O.N.A.D.S. team, things get hairy!

This third installment of my previously unpublished smash hit series, which includes G.O.N.A.D.S. I and Baltic Allied Lightning Liberation Squadron (B.A.L.L.S.) completes the series and gives it a happy ending. I think it is the best book because it is in the future, so the team not only shoots bullets, but bullets with lasers inside of them!!! G.O.N.A.D.S. OF THE FUTURE, SUBTITLED: A LONG LINE OF G.O.N.A.D.S. is complete at 60,000 words, if you count chapter headings and labels for the maps I drew so everyone would know where things were happening, otherwise it's 30,000 words. Last time I contacted you, you asked what genre this book was. After looking up the word genre I've decided it is an Action Drama. I revised the books like you suggested, I didn't get what you were saying about point of view so I just put in more fight scenes and love scenes. My point of view is that this book rocks!!!1!

Anyway, let me know.

Your Pal,
Broseph McDude.

Choose Your Own Adventure Friday

2011-09-02T06:00:00.000-05:00

How do you want to feel today?

Too Cool For School  (warning:  potty words ahead)

Schizo  

Dance, Dance, Dance!

Angry at your father (warning: potty words ahead)

Warning:  Failure to pick only one will result in instant contraction of rubella.  

-Chris

The Chris Phillips Patented 4 Step Procedure for Coping With Rejection.

2011-08-31T14:36:00.000-05:00

Step 1:  Pour Salt on Hand.

Step 2:  Drink Tequila.

Step 3: Eat a Lime.

Step 4:  Rinse, Repeat.  

Upcoming Events in My Area (Omaha)

2011-08-30T06:00:00.001-05:00

I just checked the Omaha Library website.  September seems to be their big bring in some authors month.  They will feature the following Children's/YA authors:

9/6 Judy Schachner (SkippyJon Jones) *will try to go

9/13 Ellen Hopkins (Crank) 

9/20 Jon Scieszka (Time Warp Trio, Math Curse) *definitely going

I'm really excited about Scieszka.  I put the Time Warp Trio series as a comparative title for my new manuscript.   

How about you?  What is going on in your area? 

-Chris

25 Years ago

2011-08-29T08:00:00.004-05:00

The 20th of this month marked the passing of 25 years since my father's death.  He was killed, along with 13 others in a post office massacre in Edmond, OK.  I was four when it happened.  I mostly don't remember him.  But I will also never forget him.  I wrote a poem about it that you can find at My Poetry and Prose Place today.  Complete and udder coincidence that August is also Chris Phillips month on her blog.BTW the rest of you should consider having a Chris Phillips month on your blog.  Pretty great idea, but I digress.

here is the news link:

http://www.tulsaworld.com/news/article.aspx?subjectid=11&articleid=20110820_12_A17_EDMOND18959

 It's amazing to think we've made it 25 years.   

-Chris.

Choose Your Own Adventure Friday: Vacation Edition

2011-08-26T06:00:00.005-05:00

In honor of my recent vacation to Boston and Maine I thought I'd let you choose what adventure I took this week so you could see pieces of it and pretend you were elite enough to come along with me.  

There once was a strapping young lad named Chris.  He and his wife flew to:

Click here if you want Chris and his wife to fly to Boston

Click here if you want Chris and his wife to fly to Maine

Click here if you want Chris to travel to an alternate dimension known only as Lobster's Revenge.

This is the rare week I encourage you to check them all out.

-Chris

Longfellow

2011-08-24T06:00:00.000-05:00

On my recent trip to Boston and Maine, we were able to tour the childhood home of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in Portland, ME.  Here are some pics:

It was really cool to see rooms he played in and desks he wrote on.  I also learned that his trademark beard was not a style choice, but that he could no longer shave due to burns suffered while trying to safe his wife whose dress had caught fire.  

How about you folks? Has anyone else ever visited a lit heavy historical site like this?

If you aren't a campaigner yet. Do it!

Also, don't forget to come back Friday for a Choose Your Own Adventure based on my recent vacation.

-Chris

Oddz N' Endz 8/22

2011-08-22T06:00:00.004-05:00

I'm Back!  Good to be home/posting again.  I'll have a whole lot more pictures up Friday as a part of my Choose Your Own Adventure series.  This one will be epic, so be sure to come back.  But for now I'll leave you with these:

Don't forget to go here and sign up for Rach's blogging campaign! Highly recommended. 

You should also go sign up to win an ARC of String Bridge here.  I read some on the plane.  Very good.

Go to Lydia Kang's blog, where she is giving away 900 books!  Well maybe not that many, but really close.

-Chris

Choose Your Own Adventure Friday

2011-08-19T06:00:00.008-05:00

Good Mornin!  It's time for another Choose Your Own Adventure.  This is just like when you were a kid and you had to choose whether Flint and Roadblock stormed Cobra Command in a tank or dressed up like Viper Soldiers and slipped in quietly.  Only now you get to decide the fate of your very own day.  Pick a feeling you want to carry with you for the rest of your Friday and then click the link.  If you pick more than one, I won't be your friend anymore.  

Options: 

Playful

Slightly Disturbed 

Pumpt for Exercise!

Have a good weekend!  

-Chris

Choose Your Own Adventure Friday

2011-08-12T06:00:00.003-05:00

Good morning, all!  Hope your Friday is off to a roaring start.  Before you get too far into it I thought I'd start a new segment.  We'll call it Choose Your Own Adventure.  To participate, choose what mood you want to be in today and play that video.  Don't play them all.  Don't be THAT guy.

Cool/Relaxed:

Reflective:

Giddy/retarded:

Have a good weekend.  See you all in a week or so.   

-Chris 

Oddz N' Endz 8/10

2011-08-10T11:10:00.000-05:00

-I just finished the second book in the Hunger Games series.  It started much slower than the first one, but seriously addictive stuff.

-I also just got my ARC of Stringbridge in the mail.  Excitement abounds.  

-Get geared up for the next Blogging Crusade Campaign from Rach.  It starts up pretty soon (8/22) and is a fantastical way to get new followers and make new connections.

-The blog will be going dark for a week or so next week as my wife and I vacation to Boston/Maine.  If you need anything feel free to email.

-Chris

Live Blog: Hunger Games

2011-08-06T14:49:00.007-05:00

I've decided to finally read Hunger Games this week.  Pretty spectacular.  I have already read 80 pages.  I will live blog as I read the rest.  Pretty sure that's never been done.  Another first brought to you by Chris Phillips.

11:21 - Found a typo on pg 117.  tsk tsk scholastic.

12:20 - I like how they weave romance in here without making me gag. 

2:34 - Decided the game makers should have had a huge plastic hippo devour a tribute, then rename the book The Hungry Hungry Games.  

Weekend Update

2011-08-05T06:00:00.004-05:00

-I weighed myself yesterday and was under 200lbs for the first time since high school.  That's 45 lbs lost.  You might ask, "Chris, is there some wonder drug that can do the same for me?"  Absolutely.  It's called heroin.  But it won't give you my sparkling personality.  I just did it by diet and exercise (mostly diet).
Then:

Now:

-Lydia won My Beginnings by Melissa Kline.  Congrats.  Now I just have to mail it all the way across town.  

-This weekend I'm trying to wrap up my manuscript and query letter so I can send that stuff out of here! Then I will immediately get an agent, book deal, and movie deal, and shut my blog down so I can move to Boca Raton and retire. Other than that no big plans. Have a good weekend.

-Chris

Oddz n' Endz

2011-08-03T06:00:00.003-05:00

This last weekend I finished My Beginning by Melissa Kline. I got the book from Lucky Press. I enjoyed it. There were a few times I wished it had gone in one direction and it went in another, but overall I would recommend it to anyone who likes YA dystopian type stuff.

Purchase Link: Here
Goodreads: Here

Everyone who comments on this post by the end of the day Thursday is entered into a drawing to win my copy. My copy comes complete with page 181/182 bent corner action!

True Story of the Week: I just posted a comment and the word verification was "facke" which made me laugh because I imagine that being what someone from Boston yells when they stub their toe.

This week I'm trying to finalize things for send-out on my latest manuscript.  I'm also trying to find some places to send out some flash fiction and creative nonfiction.  Right now I'm looking at Word Riot, Diddledog, and Vestal Review.  If anyone has cool places to send stuff, post it.

Hope life treats you well this week.

-Chris

Chris Phillips: Poet Laureate of the Bloggosphere!

2011-08-01T07:48:00.000-05:00

I know you probably already thought of me as a poet (guffaw!), but today a short poem I wrote in high school is being featured at My Poetry and Prose Place. I won 2nd place for it on Angela's poetry contest, and 1st place in the Nebraska State fair Bar-B-Q sauce competition (because it's saucy (get it?)).

You're probably thinking to yourself, "Why is this guy still on my blogroll?" You may also be thinking, "You wrote poetry in HS? What a dweeb!" I assure you it was for a class. I'm not much of a poet, just because I don't get all of the nuances, but I rhyme things fairly well. Perhaps I should start a hip-hop career. Like a Slim Shady meets Bieber meets Dr. Seuss kind of a deal. *throat clearing noise*

I do not like them Sam I am,

I do not like green eggs and ham.

I do not like them here or ther,

I will never say, "Never."

Whoahoho.  I need to go get working on this.  Or should I say Crackalackin?  Anyway here's a poem I wrote last night to inspire you to go check out my other poem: 

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Last night I ate Thai.

Now I have to poo.

Inspired yet?  Good.  Go here.

I'll be back on her blog around the end of the month with another poem of mine.  And that one won't even be rhyming!

-Chris

Weekend Update 7/8

2011-07-08T10:03:00.000-05:00

So I finally got my manuscript out to Betas, Thanks peeps! How was everyone's 4th? Here is a pic of me out grilling before my party.

This weekend is my 7th anniversary. That is a long time for anyone to tolerate me. We are going to see Ben Folds tonight, then stay downtown tomorrow and do some bar hopping, then to some Blue Agave place she's really wanted to go to for dinner.

A quick writing inquiry. How much of an outline/draft do you do for a sequel? I have an idea and title, but don't really want to write it unless I could get the first one going. At my conference a couple months back an author said she had a skeleton outline of her sequel in case something changed in revision. What does your outlining process look like?

I'll leave you with a couple Ben Folds Songs for your weekend:

-Chris

More Chapterbook Word Counts

2011-07-01T09:37:00.001-05:00

In a previous post I discussed chapter book word counts and gave a few chapter by chapter word count break downs for reference.  In my mind there are two subdivisions of chapter books that come before the real realm of Middle Grade.  They are Lower Grade (around 6-10+k) and Transitional readers (4-6k) but for my query I avoid those terms altogether, call it a chapter book aimed at ___, and then give the age range targeted.  Because, come on, no one wants to have this convo:

Thems:  Oh, you're a writer? 
Me:  Yeah.
Thems:  What do you write?
Me:  Oh, I'm a lower grade author.
Thems:  ...well keep at it and I'm sure you'll do better.  

Here are a few more breakdowns for reference.  These are all purely for research purposes, I do not expect you to make your chapters these exact lengths, but from experience it sucks how little info is out there on the makeups of these books:

Horrible Harry in Room 2b by Suzy Kline (3,594)

Chapter 1: 785

Chapter 2: 885

Chapter 3: 577

Chapter 4: 603

Chapter 5: 744
Average chapter length: 719 words, Median Chapter Length: 744 words, Range: 308 words

Ready Freddy Talent Show Scaredy-Pants by Abby Klein (6,988)

Chapter 1: 860

Chapter 2: 522

Chapter 3: 649

Chapter 4: 1,071

Chapter 5: 542

Chapter 6: 525

Chapter 7: 1,062

Chapter 8: 751

Chapter 9: 1,006
Average chapter length: 776 words, Median Chapter Length: 751 words, Range: 549 words

Stanley, Flat Again! by Jeff Brown (5,923)

Chapter 1: 642

Chapter 2: 490

Chapter 3: 1,062

Chapter 4: 753

Chapter 5: 467

Chapter 6: 783

Chapter 7: 1,096

Chapter 8: 429

Chapter 9: 201

 
Average chapter length: 658 words, Median Chapter Length: 642 words, Range: 895 words

-Chris

Correction

2011-06-29T18:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Merriam Webster types,

I am writing to you today to respectfully inform you of a grievous error I recently discovered in one of your texts.  On page 596 of my copy of your dictionary I found this entry:

suc·cess noun \sək-ˈses\
1 obsolete : outcome, result
2 a : degree or measure of succeeding b : favorable or desired outcome; also : the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence
3 : one that succeeds
See success defined for English-language learners »
See success defined for kids »

I'm sure you can already identify the glaring error as everyone who has ever attended elementary school and learned nifty spelling tricks can tell you "success," as you so glibly put it, is spelled: ccss. All you have to do is double the c and then double the s and you know you have ccss. Thank you for giving this matter the utmost of your time and attention.

-Chris

P.S.  Please also switch the spellings of desert and dessert.  The old saying of, "dessert has 2 s' and that is the one you always want more of" has no place in this obesity crisis.  Don't you watch Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution?  If you would kindly change it, people would have a better appreciation of an underrated ecosystem and I wouldn't have to look at as many people's frontbutts.  

P.S II Also please add the word frontbutts as I cannot find it where it belongs, delicately sandwiched between the words "frontal" and "frontward".

Oddz N' Endz

2011-06-24T10:20:00.000-05:00

Howdy!  Miss me yet?  Sorry I've been gone for awhile.  My computer isn't back yet and I'm on a loaner.  

-Two weeks ago I was in Texas for a wedding.  I got this flask for a friend:

I'm sure Davy had no idea how meaningful his quote would be to the Austin airport gift shop industry.

-In light of technical difficulties and wanting to have a relaxing/productive summer I'm shutting down MTMWT and the mailbag for the summer.

-It was pointed out to me that my email wasn't listed in my profile. Ooops! If you want to ask a question or be featured for MTMWT send me an email at clp3333(at)hotmail[dot]com(munications) It's also in the profile now.

-Last but not least I'm working on a draft that will be ready next week & I will need some crits for it (about 2 more.) It's a chapter book, 7k word count. I'll return the favor. Email me if interested. Since time is limited this summer I might turn you down if you're some chic-lit writer or author of 1,000pg historical non-fiction(unless it's about lobsters.)

-Chris

Music To Make Write To Starring Stephanie M. Loree

2011-06-14T06:00:00.041-05:00

This week I'm delighted to have Stephanie M. Loree (there's supposed to be some mark thing over the first "e" but I don't know how to make that work and I'm from Nebraska so I'm pretty sure I can play my I Don't Get It card.) Again no dance video, but she does have a travel video guide of the great state of Alaska on her blog. Very informative.

Whatever story I'm working on, different music calls to me. Generally instrumental music is my muse's key, like my fave Philip Glass. But for my current project, alternative rock seems to be what the pages want.

#1: The Cave by Mumford & Sons

- Pretty much the inspiration piece for my antagonist. Whenever I'm writing about him, I have to play The Cave on repeat. The entire Mumford & Sons album, "Sigh No More" has had a great influence on my writing.

#2: Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up) by Florence & the Machine

- Contrasted to #1, Rabbit Heart is my protagonist's theme song. The driving beat and mix of rock/electronic in this song is what really pulls me in, and the lyrics are fab. I usually listen to their entire "Lungs" album as I'm writing.

#3: Guilty Filthy Soul by AWOLNation

- This band sucked me right in when I first heard them only a few months ago. I love the play on this song's lighter beat with darker lyrics. It's so happy, even with that whole guilty filthy soul thing!

---Stephanie M. Lorée

Technical difficulty

2011-06-13T21:17:00.000-05:00

My computer has died. I may be without for two weeks. Stephanie Loree will be here tomorrow for music to make write to. Peace in.
-chris

Word Count for Lower Grade Chapter Books

2011-06-10T06:00:00.000-05:00

Fact:  I write the most under-heard-of sub-genre of children's books in Earth's history.  I write Lower-Grade.  I can hear some of you scoffing from here and saying, you mean Middle Grade, right?  Nope.  MG novels average 20k-30k words. 
  
When I started writing I felt kind of lost, but really there is a lot less information about these books and how to write them than there is for MG or YA.  

One of the things I discussed with my critiquer at SCBWI of the Dakotas was how my low word count (5.8k) might be pegging me into a corner I don't want to be in.  She asked where I got my word count range and I told her I had actually counted the first book in the Magic Tree House series.  At the time it seemed brilliant.  I had a story to tell, but had no idea how to tell it, so I used a framework from a successful series I was familiar with.  So I counted, took for stinkin' ever, then I made sure my chapters were within 100 words of that number, just as a basis to keep the total word count within range.  Sometimes I would go under, sometimes over, but it helped me stick to the only reference for chapter and book length I had.  Actually my critiquer thought it was a good idea and was impressed I had a basis other than, "I heard it on the interwebz," but she still felt my writing fits a little higher level than Magic Tree House.

Magic Tree House #1 is 4,740 (my books were a little under 1k more than that.)

Here is the breakdown per chapter too, which I found helpful for reference.

Magic Tree House Dinosaurs at Dawn

Chapter 1: 303

Chapter 2: 536

Chapter 3: 390

Chapter 4: 420

Chapter 5: 625

Chapter 6: 683

Chapter 7: 344

Chapter 8: 324

Chapter 9: 523

Chapter 10: 592

Average Chapter length 475 words, Range 380 words, Mode <400 words, Median  420,523

Now I'm in process of getting my books to a length closer to Time Warp Trio books. (which range from 6.5k-11k  (yep, counted one of them too.) 

Viking It And Liking It (8,232)

Chapter 1: 688

Chapter 2: 803

Chapter 3: 1,189

Chapter 4: 712

Chapter 5: 842

Chapter 6: 498 

Chapter 7: 978

Chapter 8: 906

Chapter 9: 398

Chapter 10: 964
Chapter 11: 254

Average Chapter length 748 words, Range 935 words, Median 803 words.

Jon was a little all over the place in terms of chapter length.  That range is almost 300 words more than my longest chapter.  From these numbers I learned: a) counting is not fun. b) There are no set rules for chapter length in a publishable book.  c) Having an average does help set limits and determine chapter breaking points.

I'm going to count a few more in the future (Judy Moody, Ready Freddy) and I'll post the break downs.  I think it's an important reference and just can't really find this info anywhere else.  If anyone wants to count some for me, let me know :)  Happy writing.

-Chris

Music To Make Write To Starring... Cheese?

2011-06-07T06:00:00.002-05:00

For those of you hoping for cheesy music or music picked by a block of Swiss cheese, sorry. But We do Have Abe aka "Cheese Boy" from Blog O' Cheese here to discus his favorite writing tunes. Oh, There's a dance video (with pirates!) this week! Follow this link: This Link. Here are the Picks:

I almost always listen to music while I blog. I am honored to be asked to share three of my favorite songs to listen to.

Given that my blog is a humor blog, you might think that I listen to humorous or upbeat music while I write. While that is often the case, I am also often inspired by darker, more intense tunes. Either way, here are three that have helped me the last couple of years.

1. The Temper Trap - Love Lost

I love this Australian band's sound. It is upbeat and haunting at the same time. While you may have heard their hit single "Sweet Disposition" on various movies and commercials, it is this song that is their best so far. It's sweeping melody and perfectly timed pauses are perfect for inspiring great writing.

2. The National - Bloodbuzz Ohio

If you like heavy baritone vocals and tense, drawn out lyrics, The National is for you. Their entire album last year, "High Violet" was insanely good, but it was this song that I would put on repeat while trying to capture the perfect post. The driving beat and drawn-out-build always put me in the right frame of mind for writing.

3. Vampire Weekend - White Sky

Writing comedy is often very difficult and occasionally I need to be put in a light, airy frame of mind. No band does this better than Vampire Weekend. My sons love to sing along to this song and its unusual chorus. When I need to feel goofy and carefree to inspire a post, no song does it better than White Sky.

-Abe

Fun N' Games

2011-06-06T06:00:00.001-05:00

Today's post is a part of Alex Cavanaugh's Fun And Games Blog Type Party

The goal is to list your three favorite games of all time.  This is really hard for me for some reason.  I'm going to list one game for each of the major categories of gamagehood.

Sport: College Basketball

Let's face it, the NBA is meh.  But college basketball is amazing and summer is officially the longest time of the year whilst I wait for it. 

Board Type Game:  Hungry Hungry Hippos

It was tough not to go with Risk, but this is basically the same thing but faster and more violent.  

Video Games:  This category is tough as it is hard to not put every Legend of Zelda or Grand Theft Auto game.  I'm a sucker for free map games.  The best made to date has to be Fallout 3.  

Come back tomorrow for Music to Make Write to With Cheese Boy.

The next person on the blog fest is here.

-Chris

Book Reviewish Thing: 4th Stall

2011-06-03T12:11:00.000-05:00

I met Chris Rylander at SCBWI of the Dakotas this year.  His new book, out this past Feb. is The 4th Stall.  It is a MG novel with a kind of Mafia meets middle-school vibe.  The basic premise is that Mac, a sixth grader, runs a business out of an abandoned bathroom stall at his school.  High-schoolers muscle in on his business and hilarity ensues.  It's the perfect Middle Grade book for boys.  Humor is excellent.  He uses a lot of obscure references, but does a nice job of explaining them.  I enjoyed it.  You will too.

Things I jotted down that will help me with my writing:

-By the end of the first page I get: The character, his friendship, his business.  A lot of other things are set up in a small space too.  

-Does a nice job of dropping character description in the first chapter despite 1st person narrator with statements like, "Right now you're asking how a blue-eyed... brown hair... could ever run a business like this."

-Chapter 2 really sets up the problem and tension, though tension was given in chap 1, it is elaborated upon.

El Linko Del Purchaso 

-Chris  

Question: Funny On Command

2011-06-02T06:00:00.002-05:00

Hey folks!  I need more ?'s and participants for MTMWT.  If you have interest in either give me a holler via email or comments.

This week's question comes from Janet Sumner Johnson of Fairfax, Delaware.  Janet writes:

Dear Chris,
I hope you got the $5 I sent with this e-mail. I inserted it in the slot on my console. Crossing my fingers it gets me on your blog.
My question is about humor since that seems to be your thing. My husband and I have this disagreement, and maybe you can settle it for us: Is it possible to be funny on command? If so, prove it. :)
Your faithful follower in Fairfax
-Janet

Janet,

 I am going to assume you are not asking if I can fart on command (yes btw,) which is hilarious.  But rather I think your question is focused around being at a party or some other interaction and someone says, "Oh, hey, this is Chris.  He's funny.  Chris, say something funny."

That is what I refer to as funny man's kryptonite.  It's not that I can't come up with something funny per say, but that I don't want to waste any good one-liners with such a poor setup and such high anticipation.  The person has this unrealistic perception that I'm going to juggle pies or something, and I might just do that, but it isn't as funny if people are expecting it and I'm just carting pies around for nothing.  

Good bail outs:

"Oh, __insert_name__ you're so kind!  This guy is really kind.  Go ahead, do something kind.  Like right now.  In front of me."

"A blond a brunette and a redhead walked into a bar.  None of them would go home with me."

"Something funny.  Oh, I kill me!" <Then laugh like it was funny for an awkward amount of time, stop and then laugh again.  Add in some coughs and wheezes too.

Really this is a terrible situation to be in and the best way to be funny is off the top of your head and by drinking large quantities of alcohol.  

L8ter,

-Chris

p.s. How old is your computer to have a slot?  If the fiver starts smoking, take it out and mail it to me.  

2011-05-31T06:00:00.001-05:00

I hope everyone had a good Memorial Day Holiday.

But it's over now.  Time to get back to work! This

week we have Jeffrey Beesler as our distinguished

guest.  He has unfortunately also turned down my

request of a dance video.  :( But oh well, he did

give us his writing picks!  Here we go:

The first of the three songs which I make write to

is “Flashdance (What a Feeling)” by Irene Cara.

With a single word swap, I can totally turn this

song into a song of inspiration for writing. I mean,
how can you not write when you hear lyrics like,

“Take your passion, and make it happen”?

Song Number Two would have to be “That Was Yesterday”

by Foreigner. As writers putting our work out there,

we are going to subject ourselves to a boatload,

no, a freighter’s worth, of rejection. “That Was
Yesterday” keeps me grounded in today by reminding

me that there’s no point dwelling on the past, that

we only have the here and now to make the most out

of.

And finally, “She’s in Love with the Boy” by Trisha

Yearwood is a great example not just of song, but

of great storytelling. Every line comes alive in

my imagination as I hear Trisha sing about stuff

like the pick-up truck coming up the road, or the

Dairy Freeze, or when Tommy gives Katie his high

school ring. Such imagery serves as an ideal teaching

tool for getting the perfect word on the page.

Thanks, Chris, for asking me to share some of my

favorite songs for writing with all of your readers.

It was really hard to stop myself at three!

-Jeffrey

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: When You Land an Agent

2011-05-26T06:00:00.002-05:00

So I think something happened to Blogger(again) Tues. as I had an email or two saying people couldn't comment.  Be sure to check out this week's MTMWT if you didn't and go follow Debbie.  As always, send me your questions via email or comments.

This week's question comes to us from Marty of Jackson, Arkansas.  Marty Writes:

Chris,

Longtime reader, first time poster.  I was just wondering if you ever think about how you might change when you land an agent.  Right now you're, like, the coolest dude ever.  Do you think it will change you?

Sincerely,

Marty

Marty,

 Don't believe everything you read on a blog.  Just because I have a close circle of blogging friends and listen to Bieber doesn't mean I'm that cool.  I am, but you get the point.  I'd like to tell you I'd be down to Earth and continue to treat people the way I always have.  That would be a bold-faced lie.  

The day I land an agent I'm pretty sure I will go out for a steak dinner and sign the receipt for the waitress, "To Molly.  Happy reading, thanks for the water refills," and then sign my name disproportionally large and sloppy with a sharpie, ruining her little black receipt holding book by drawing over the gold embossed MasterCard logo (And I won't even care!) 

I'd drive from there and rent a hotel room for the night that I'd trash.  When the hotel people call me up I'll be like, "Call my agent!" then I'll jump in the El Camino I bought with cash and drive into the sunset. 

...That actually kind of sounds like a regular Wednesday for me.  Maybe I won't really change at all.

-Chris

Music to Make Write to Starring Debbie LaCroix

2011-05-24T06:00:00.007-05:00

I had hoped that I could start a tradition where our MTMWT participants showed off their dance skills after last week's video of Kelly dancing to MJ. Unfortunately, this week's guest flatly refused that idea and for some reason just wanted to post actual music. Oh Well! Debbie LaCroix was at the SCBWI of the Dakotas conference with me and has graciously agreed to share some of her musical favs. Be sure to check out her blog and look out for her debut picture book coming this August!

First, I’d like to thank Chris for inviting me to be his guest blogger! I’m one of those “I was born with a pen in my hand” people. I’ve been making up and telling stories since I can remember. Sometimes I’ve even sung them. 

Besides writing, I’ve always loved theatre, musical theatre is even better! So my Music to Make Write To involves…..

 My favorite Broadway Show Tunes!

I mostly listen to music in the car. This is my free mind time, especially when I have a little drive.  Though I do like other music (I just saw Elton John in concert! WOW), I love to be able to picture the story a musical delivers. Listening to musicals allows me to close my eyes (figuratively) and watch the story come to life.

Right now, my musical obsession is “Wicked.” I saw it in Des Moines, where it was good. And most recently in London, where it was “SPECTACULAR!!!!” 

If I was to isolate my favorite song, it’s got to be “What is this Feeling.” 

It uses such great voice and character dialect to convey two characters who can’t stand each other!

I also love “Defying Gravity” because it has so much symbolism in it, and sometimes when I’m writing, I feel like that is what I’m trying to do: Defy Gravity! The writing world is very complex, and you sort of have to close your eyes and jump, hoping your wings (or broomstick), will lead you in the right direction. I’ve taken a few nose dives, though nothing life threatening yet. Luckily, water won’t melt me.

Another favorite song is “Anything You Can Do” from Annie Get your Gun. My dad and I love to break out into song, just for fun, and this is a favorite (along with anything from Fiddler). It’s a great ego booster for me, not sure why. I think it falls into my competitive nature. Really though, my husband and I are due for a duet with this—we compete a lot, all in good fun.  I promise not to record it and torture you. So instead, you can enjoy this modern day take featuring none other than your favorite Harry Potter characters:

And then of course, there is the wonderful song to celebrate getting a rejection letter, brought to you from the gang at “Avenue Q”:

Remember, there is always someone whose life sucks worse than yours, especially if you are Gary Coleman! 

Or watch it in Swedish:

But of course, it all goes back to my very favorite musical as a kid! No one can ever deny the power of singing “Tomorrow” from Annie… over, and over, and over, and over….

I can go on and on about my favorite musicals! But if you need a boost, download your favorite musical and remember, “The hills are alive, with the Sound of Music…..”

(Debbie LaCroix is an author from South Dakota. Her debut picture book “It’s Almost Time” comes out this Fall from Kane Miller. You can find her at www.debbielacroix.com or littledebbiewrites.blogspot.com)

-Debbie

SCBWI Dakotas Conference Wrap-Up

2011-05-20T06:00:00.005-05:00

This past weekend I made the 3 hour drive to South Dakota for the SCBWI of the Dakotas conference.  It was stellar.  

The lineup:

-Kerry Sparks - Agent, Levine Greenberg 

-Chris Rylander - Author, The 4th Stall

-Jacqueline West - NY Times Best-selling author of THE SHADOWS

-Nathan Gasman - Art director, Capstone Publishing 

-Emilia Rhodes - Editor, Alloy Entertainment

8:00 I was nervous as all get out.  I just slammed a 5hr energy and was barely coherent.

8:30 Agent Talk.  This part was kind of a review of everything I already knew just by reading blogs, querytracker, and Bransford. (don't tell them you know kids who love it, publishing is slow, etc.) It's amazing how much I feel like I have a handle on the querying and agent process.  There were some differences with her individual agency (which is top-notch) but it feels nice to know that the research is paying off a little bit.  She showed a query by a client who found her through querytracker.net, which I thought was sweet.

9:30 Chris Rylander tells us how he wrote an entire book in 6 weeks over his lunch breaks.  Kid is an amazing talent.  The amount of unspeakable querying sins he committed was immense and confidence inspiring.  

I know it's hard to read so I'll paraphrase, "Chris, You are my inspiration.  I am honored to have you here as are my distinguished guests."

10:45 First page session.  I submitted a page from my more or less shelved book.  I rewrote the first 2 chapters in 1st person a couple weeks ago and wanted to see how it played.  Got a solid amount of laughs.  It was really interesting to hear the page read aloud.  The teacher character sounded like a b, and I hadn't intended that/noticed it.  After the session the editor comes up, introduces herself, and tells me her opinion on one suggestion made.  She also compliments my first page. That felt like this inside:

1:00 Jacqueline West talks about writing a series.  She writes one book of a series with a skeleton outline of the next one ready to go.  She said if you write the whole series it's harder to move pieces around when you need to and compared it to a really big game of Jenga.  One interesting thing both authors said is that other than their editors they don't really have a crit. partner.  

2:00 Emilia Rhodes talks about the hot new trends in YA.  I'm not really a YA author, but it was still very interesting.
Humor and boy focused YA = hard
Mermaids / Dystopian= hot (for now)
Dystopian Mermaid societies with forbidden Werewolf love = my next project

She made an interesting statement about how if you are going to write an angel (or whatevs.) book, read all the angel books you can find, and view it like a photo album, being sure not to repeat old fashion. 

4:30 Crit with Jacqueline West,
She was fantastic.  It was like talking to an old friend.  While there's always a lot to work on, having a NYT best-seller say nice things about your work goes miles in the motivation dept.  Basically I will spend the next month reading middle-grade fiction and deciding if and how to convert my works to that format (from simple chapter.)  Also brought up my first page, which felt amazing that  she remembered it from the session (they were anonymous,) asked if it was mine by linking the  style to my submission.  

Oh and basically my crit partner is a mad genius and everything she told me to smooth over that I hadn't had time to get completely perfect got brought up.  

4:50 I'm outie.  I felt like this:

If you get a chance to go to a regional SCBWI conference, I highly recommend it.  I'll be headed back to the Dakotas next year.

I also recommend the following books, I'll be reading them over the next week(s) and will share thoughts: 

-Chris

Chris Phillips' Mailbag - Title

2011-05-19T06:00:00.002-05:00

This week's question comes to us from Martha of Peculiar, MO (Actual name of an actual town!)  Martha writes:

Chris,

Hi! I hope my letter gets selected out of all of the tons and tons of fan-mail I assume you get! I'm giddy with excitement and anticipation! My question is about the title of these posts. It's a little... well... plain I guess. Chris' Mailbag? BORING! I was wondering if you could come up with something snazzier. Maybe the Special Delivery, or the Dropbox. Let me know what you think.

-Martha

Martha, 

Of course I selected your question out of the millions of requests I get a day, it was a great question.  The $5 you put in the envelope didn't hurt *hint* *hint*  Anyway, I didn't really have a good name for this thing when I started it.  I think you might be right.  Don't get me wrong, your suggestions are terrible.  I may as well name it Chris' Vortex of Lost Masculinity Bag.  Hmmm.  Where to go with this?  

We could call it Questionable Answers With Chris.  Nah, all my answers are solid gold.

Maybe, Go Ask Somebody Who Gives a Carp, and I could answer questions only about fish related topics?   Nah, most of the questions you guys would ask would be Crappie (See what I did there?)

We could call it Chris Phillips' Delivery Bag, maybe shorten the word delivery so it's nice and short and would read:
Chris Phillips - D. Bag

Well, maybe I should just leave well enough alone. Anyone have any good ideas?

-Chris

Chris Phillips Ponders Wise Old Sayings 5/18

2011-05-18T06:00:00.009-05:00

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...  More like, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."  Amirite?

All's fair in love and war...  Except in love there's no Geneva Convention to violate. 

(Super-bonus alternate ending)
All's fair in love and war...  I just poked my wife in the face.  She disagrees.    
 

April showers bring forth May flowers...  "Thanks a lot!" says March showers.

As you make your bed, so you must lie upon it... That sounds really difficult. I'm not much of a multi-tasker.

Music To Make Write To Starring Kelly Polark

2011-05-17T06:00:00.002-05:00

In the past I've stated that participants are chosen based on their looks.  This week's participant, Kelly Polark Was not picked for that reason(foxy as she may be.)  She was selected solely on her dancing abilities.

Evidence:

To say I love music is an understatement. I am crazy about music. I am borderline obsessed with it and the musicians who offer it to me on my iPod. One of my fave things to do is go to concerts. Rock concerts of course where I headbang and throw the devil horns. So it is no surprise that my middle grade manuscript has a rock theme. One thing I cannot do is write while my music is playing, because then I sing along to it and lose track (unless I’m at Starbucks, for some reason I can tune it out).

So here are a few tunes that would be on a soundtrack to my manuscript.

KICK IN THE TEETH by Papa Roach

Papa Roach is one of the best live bands ever. Lead singer Jacoby Shaddix is a madman at concerts -running into the audience, moving to every beat in the song, and shaking his sweat onto the crowd. Jacoby is also the name of my mc’s dad (coincidence? I think not.)

My main character, Stef, has one thing after another happen to her throughout the book so this song is a great mantra to keep going even if it feels like a kick in the teeth.

Cuz if it feels like a kick in the teeth, I can take it.

Throw your stones and you won't see me break it.

Say what you want, take your shots.

You're setting me free with one more kick in the teeth!

I’M NOT OKAY by My Chemical Romance

Great teenage angst song. And a character in my book is named Gerard.  Coincidentally like MCR’s lead singer!

LEARN TO FLY by Foo Fighters

My character loves silly Foo Fighter videos. If you want good music mixed with goofiness check out this out. Jack Black is even in it. Other funny Foo videos are Long Road to Ruin, Everlong, and Big Me!

Lastly, a fourth bonus song (*Chris Phillips Editorial Note*: CHEATER! ;p) is SEIZE THE DAY by Avenged Sevenfold -link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-B2yzG6Gj0A  Stef’s mom starts each morning with an inspirational rock song. Here’s one of them. This song is more of a love song I guess, but the title fits the day!

Thanks to Mr. Phillips for letting me share this tunage with you. Rock on with your bad self, Chris!

Laughter is the Best Medicine Blog Partay!

2011-05-16T06:00:00.005-05:00

This post is a part of the Laughter is the best cocaine Medicine Blogfest!  What do you mean you haven't heard of it?  Go here!

So here's my patented racist joke.  Before you get too worked up, it's not offensive, calm down, quit flipping through your Rolodex for the ACLU hotline number and just read it.  

 Racist Joke:

Q:  How many Kurds does it take to change a lightbulb?

(scroll down for the answer)

(a little more)

ONE!  hOW MANY SHOULD IT TAKE, YOU RACIST!?!  

Great joke, huh?  I always knew you were a racist.  The best part of that joke is that you can change the ethnicity (even to anglos) and the activity and it's still the best joke ever.  Came up with that one on a trip in Korea.

Have a great Monday, Kelly Polark is here tomorrow for MTMWT.

Next person on the blogfest is here.

-Chris

Oddz n' Endz 5/16

2011-05-15T06:00:00.003-05:00

Welcome to Another week at the ole' ranch blog.  This is a day early so I can squeeze in the blogfest tomorrow.  

-I just got back from South Dakota where I attended the SCBWI of the Dakotas conference.  I'll do a wrap-up Fri.  I want to give it more than a paragraph's blurb since it was awe-inspiring.  

-Speaking of exotic writing getaways, Jessica Bell is hosting a writing retreat/workshop in Greece.  Deets here.

-I've lost over 20 pounds in about 2 months.   I'm on this progressive new diet where I have to have hunted and killed everything I eat.  The only wild animals 'round these parts is rabbit, sparrow, and really tiny frogs, so that limits things.  You can't hunt and kill a Twinkie, can you?  

Photographic proof (of weight-loss, not twinkie-hunting):
Then
 

Now

Tomorrow is the laughter is the best medicine blogfest.  Tues Kelly Polark is here for MTMWT.  Wed. has some wise sayings, and Thursday more mail.  Friday should be my wrap-up of the Dakotas (which was stinking phenomenal.)

Have a good week.  

-Chris 

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: Sugar Daddy

2011-05-12T05:59:00.002-05:00

What is this new exciting thing sweeping the Bloggosphere? Why, it's Chris Phillips' Mailbag of Course! If you want to be uber popular with all of your friends and get a question answered by Chris Phillips, then just send him and email, leave a comment, or mail him a birthday card with $5!

This Week's Letter comes to us from Hart Johnson of Keweenaw, Michigan. Hart Writes:

Dr. Mr. Phillips,

Are you interested in being an online sugar daddy, whereby you sent me money to support the lifestyle of a relatively successful writer, and I will can you Pooh-bear and daddio and talk about how generous you are?

See, I can't do the real thing, because HWMNBMOTI would take issue, but probably he'd be okay if it was only in writing. I'd be willing to cease and desist posting naked man butts as of the arrival of the first (large) check...

Sincerely,

Can't Hurt to Ask

Hart,

I would love to be someone's sugar daddy.  However, if it's online, I'm technically only getting <10% of the experience, and therefore, you would also only get that much back.  So instead of a hundred dollars I would send you two scratch tickets and the Baltic Avenue I got from the McDonald's Monopoly game.  Also instead of a fur coat you would only get a fur from a squirrel my dog killed.  It really doesn't seem cost efficient in my opinion.  But if you still like the idea, email me your address and I'll start mailing your "perks" right away.  

Forever Yours,

Chris "Sugar Daddio" Phillips

Chris Phillips Ponders Wise Old Sayings 5/11

2011-05-11T06:00:00.004-05:00

A rising tide lifts all boats...  And all Party-Barges.  

A rolling stone gathers no moss...  Instead it gathers mud, and animal droppings.  I'd kind of prefer the moss.

Actions speak louder than words...  Unless the words are long the lines of, "I don't love you anymore." and the action is an armpit fart.

Good things come to those who wait...  So does death, so don't wait too long, or wait in burning buildings, or underwater, or in Libya, or... well, you get the idea.

Music To Make Write To Starring Liz Fichera

2011-05-10T06:00:00.000-05:00

This week we welcome Liz Fichera to the blog. If you don't already follow her, I highly recommend doing so.

*Official Content Warning!*

While none of Liz's selections contain inappropriate language (unless you count Scottish accents,) some do contain Country Music, a type of music known to the Surgeon General's office to cause 1) a hoopin' and a hollerin' 2) non-lite beer drinking 3) general appreciations for pickups, implements, and steel guitars.

Living in the American Southwest, I listen to a lot of country music.  I’m quite certain it’s part of the Arizona State Constitution that anyone who lives in Phoenix must worship (and crank) country music at all times. Or else.  Music is always playing when I write.  No big surprise then that two of my three selections are country tunes.  I heart them.  

1)

 I adore Miranda Lambert’s raw, edgy voice and I probably could listen to her sing the phone book.  My latest fave is The House That Built Me.  

2) 

Jerrod Niemann singing Lover, Lover.  So sexy and sultry.  Gets me every time.  And he’s cute.  *Sighs*

3)  

My only non-country selection is Whole, Wide World by The Proclaimers.  My favorite Scottish geeks.  I’ve loved them ever since they came on the scene with 500 Miles.  If this song doesn’t get you out of your chair and dancing, please get your blood pressure checked.

-Liz 

Oddz/Endz 5/9

2011-05-09T06:00:00.002-05:00

This week someone came to my blog using the keywords: "how to do chris phillips"

To that person and everyone else, welcome.  

-This week I'm gearing up for the SCBWI of the Dakotas conference this weekend.  I'm excited/nervous.  If anyone is going, let me know and I'll let you buy me a "soda."

-There is still one more week to sign up for the Laughter is the Best Medicine Blogfest.

-I'm on the twitter.  My name is @wisenewsayings.  I only have 1,193,869 less followers than Jersey Shore's JWOWW.  Are we gonna let her beat me?  I think not!

-Anything else that needs pumped on Oddz/Endz let me know via email, or if you want to sign up for MTMWT, or ask me a question for the mailbag posts, or tell me about your Great Aunt Sally.

 -Check out Middle Grade Mafioso.  Kind of a funny take on starting a YA Mafia facsimile for MG, but from the perspective of Don Corleone.

Come back for MTMWT tomorrow with Liz Fichera.  Wednesday?  More like WisdomDay, and Thursday I check the mail (mostly bills :( )

-Chris

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T06:00:00.003-05:00

Dearest Mother,

Thank you for passing me into this world through your cesarean incision.

Your Loving Son,

Chris Phillips

So.. I'm on The Twitter

2011-05-06T18:05:00.000-05:00

Yay? It's just me, but I've never liked the whole #twitter idea. From the offset, when I was first told of twitter and saw the little blue bird mascot, I thought, "#pfft!"

I never even considered the concept, just the name felt so #emasculating. "What have you been doing today?" I've been on a website all day named after the sound a wimpy bird makes! Why does it have to be a tiny bird noise? They should have named it Ka-Kaw! "Hey, Chris! Just saw your latest #Ka-Kaw! Good stuff." Would feel nice, but no... it's a tweet.

But I'm on it, so I guess I should quit whining. I figure that if I'm going to do this thing, I should do it right. So the first thing I did was add @Beiber. I've added a lot of people from here, but add me so I get everyone I missed.

Here I be:

@wisenewsayings

What do you guys think of twitter? Oooo! Gotta go. Biebzy is tweeting about "having a moment!" Deep stuff.

-Chris

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: Cold Feet

2011-05-05T06:00:00.005-05:00

Have you been into Radio Shack lately?  What a crap hole!  I mean first of all, they are never really in shacks.  Talk about false advertising.  Secondly their slogan is patently false.  They say, "You've got questions.  We've got answers."  Well, I have questions alright.  So I went into Radio Shack last week and asked the salesperson, "Excuse me, but where do baby storks come from?"  Simple question... no good answer.  So if you have a question and truly want it answered, basically there are two things you can do.  1. Read the Bible (really long) 2. Send me an email asking me a question.  I'll answer it right here on the blog and I won't even make you stop eating pork or repent!

This week's question comes from M. Pax of Pacific Northwest, Idaho.  M. Pax writes:

Chris,
My feet are often cold. Do your feet often get cold?

Sincerely,
M.Pax

M,

You should check very carefully and make sure you wear shoes and socks when you are outside.  It might sound overly commonsensical, but it's like when you walk around your house looking for your keys for about a half-hour and then you feel around in your pocket and realize... I don't even own a car!

Me on the other hand, I use slippers to keep my feet warm.  Here is a pic of the slippers I'm wearing today:

Hope that helps.  

Your Pal,

Chris

Chris Phillips Ponders Wise Old Sayings 5/4

2011-05-04T06:00:00.005-05:00

A stitch in time saves nine...  A stitch in the Time-Space Continuum saves everybody.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...  It might still be a robot.

All the world's a stage... I told you there's someone watching me!

A penny saved is a penny earned... 917 pennies saved is still only $9.17

Music To Make Write To Guest Starring Talli Rolland

2011-05-03T06:00:00.003-05:00

This week we are lucky that Talli Rolland, author of The Hating Game has agreed to join us and take a break from all of this Royal Wedding hub-ub and share her favorite writing inspiring music.  Talli, take er' away!  

I’ve  never been able to write to music; there’s more than enough noise in my  head already! But I do love to listen to music to get me in the mood.  Here are my top selections!

1) Nocturne No. 20 in C-sharp minor, by Chopin.

There is something so haunting, yet calming, about this. I’m a big fan of Chopin, and this is one of my all-time favourites. 

2) Someone Like You, by Adele.

If you ever need to write a gut-wrenching love scene, I recommend listening to this first. It will get you in the spirit!

3) Jerusalem (British hymn by William Blake and Charles Hastings Perry.)

This  is a bit of a renegade choice, but since my characters are British and  my novels set in the UK – and I’m not a born and bred native – I listen  to this to channel my inner Brit!

Oddz n' Endz

2011-05-02T06:00:00.002-05:00

I hope everyone had a good weekend, or at least had a better weekend than Osama (Go America!)  The news story last night interrupted CSI Miami, and I kind of felt like CBS should have either told me who killed the girl or at least brushed Osama's beard for clues.  Is that weird?  Throw me a bone, CBS!    

As always, be sure to pass along any links or promos you want me to let people know about on Oddz n' Endz through email.

-If you haven't signed up for the Laughter is the Best Medicine blogfest, go here right now and sign up.  

-I have been busy revising my latest Manuscript.  My query is up for critiquing here and there.

-Talli Rolland will be by tomorrow for MTMWT, Wed. thoughts will be pondered, and Thursday mail will be answered.  Fri-Sunday I will be drinking moonshine that I made in my garage.  

That is all.

-Chris

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: Jelly Beans

2011-04-28T06:00:00.010-05:00

This week's letter comes to us from Summer Ross of Washakie, Wyoming.  Summer Writes:

Hi.  I had a great Easter.  How was yours?  Speaking of Easter, What kind of Easter jellybean would you be and why?

K Bye!

Summer

Summer,

My Easter was delightful.  Believe it or not this question has nothing to do with what kind of jelly bean I like.  In your scenario, I have no arms or legs and I'm going to eventually be eaten to death.  The question your posing truly is, "Chris, How do you want to die(if you were a candy bean thingy?)"

Here are my options:

-I could choose to die quickly by being a red jellybean, because that is the best flavor.

-I could choose to watch my friends the red jellybeans die and then also get eaten quickly by being the orange, pink, or yellow jellybeans.

 -I could choose to be ignored and picked around, and still killed later by being the green jelly bean.

-I could choose to wait for my death but confuse my killer by saying, Ha!  I don't even really taste like grapes at all!  Booyah!" and be the purple jellybean.  

-Or I could wait and die mostly of old age until I am eaten and then spit out by some kid who didn't know black jellybeans were probably the worst idea ever.

I'm going to choose the path of the quick and the dead and go with red.  Hope this helps.

Your Special Jellybean,

Chris Phillips

Chris Phillips Ponders The Wisest Saying of All: Haterz Gonna' Hate

2011-04-27T06:00:00.003-05:00

I could offer a few brilliant quotes from Gandhi, or E.E. Cummings about being true to yourself (and with a name like E.E. Cummings he probably came up with a few doozies) but no matter who gets quoted or which elegant words they chose they will never sum it up quite like this. 

This year, when I've told tell people I'm writing a kid's book, I've garnered numerous looks from people I know. Looks that say, "Are you really sure?" "Get a real job!" or "Hey you, quit drinking malt liquor out in front of our store!" But I say, march on my slightly pudgy friend! (The guy in the first picture, not me!) March on!

-Chris

Oddz n' Endzzzzzz

2011-04-25T06:00:00.006-05:00

Hope everyone had a good Easter.  Mine was pretty meh.  It seems like every business in Omaha decided to crap on me one at a time.  Short story, never buy EA games or go to the L St. Wal-Mart.  

If you haven't gotten a chance to read Elena Solodow's novel excerpt, go here to get details.  

There is a newish poll on the right ---> 

Go here to check out Liz Fichera's new book cover that is debuting today.

This week: 
Tues: No MTMWT 
Wed: Chris Phillips Ponders 
Thurs: Mailbag 
Fri-Sun: I drink myself into a coma, just not on the blog.  

That's it for now.  If you ever have anything you want mentioned here on oddz n' endzizzzz, just email it to me. 

-Chris

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: Lettuce

2011-04-21T05:59:00.011-05:00

If you want to be sure and get your questions answered, email them to me, or put it in the comments. This week's letter comes to us from Sharon K. Mayhew of Winnebago, IA. Sharon writes:

Dear Chris,

I am a huge fan of your blog! I even have a Chris Phillips' Blog T-shirt! What is your favorite type of lettuce and why?

Sincerely,

Sharon

Sharon, 

 To be honest I eat mostly Romaine lettuce in salads and wraps.  But the lettuce that has me the most by the heart strings has got to be Mesclun.

It's not particularly tasty or satisfying, but the name is great.  I keep a bag or two of fresh mesclun in my trunk at all times.  That way when the cops pull me over I say, "Officer, can we hurry this up?  I have fresh mesclun in my trunk and I want to get it home right away."  Then, after he tases me and looks in my trunk for what he believe to be mescaline (a psychedelic drug,) I get off scott-free without a ticket and I have a nice healthy settlement check, which I can buy more Romaine lettuce with. 

Your Pal,

Chris

Chris Ponders Wise Old Sayings 4/25

2011-04-20T06:00:00.002-05:00

*Edit* This was my 100th post!  Go Me!

Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart...  Or your tacos go to your colon.

Criticizing is easy, art is difficult...  Criticizing art is really easy.

Treat others as you yourself would be treated...  But I keep offering people full body oil massages and they just look at me like I'm some kind of creeper!

No use crying over spilled milk... But what if someone else cleans it up because they feel sorry for me? 

-Chris

P.S. Come back tomorrow for another dip in the ole' mailbag.

Music To Make Write To Featuring MPax

2011-04-19T06:00:00.005-05:00

This week the computers have chosen Mpax.  And with this profile pic:

I'm surprised she wasn't picked long ago. Take er' away, Mpax!

Well, for all three of these artists, anything they sing is fine  with me. And you make me miss the fact I have not created a playlist on  my new computer yet. So yes, I've been working to the sounds of traffic  and cats and husbands.

Anyway, my list:

1. Paranoid Android by Radiohead. It helped inspire my second  novel. It's moody and original. And it fit with my cyberpunk prose.

2. I adore Muse and they have many songs that inspire me  -- OK, all  of them. My current favorite is Starlight. But Uprising was  an  inspiration for my second novel, too. For now, I'd go with  Starlight. 

3. Anything by Elvis Costello. His silky voice ... well, he could  just sing URL's until time ends and I'd remain a devoted fan. Besides  his yummy voice, he's also an incredible songwriter. Love his old stuff  with the Attractions and the new stuff. Picking one song is tough ...  Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood. Soulful and passionate. How I'd like my  characters to be.

~Mary

Artworks

2011-04-19T05:59:00.005-05:00

This post is a fluid posting of samples of my art.  If you have any questions about my work, feel free to email me.  All works are copyrighted.  

Odds N' Ends

2011-04-18T06:00:00.005-05:00

I've finally put the finishing touches on a painting I'd been working on for submission. I'm not sure it's good enough, but we'll see where it goes. I can't show you the finished work, but I can show you my dumping stroke page. I used an ink pen to outline the important figures after painting. Anytime you dip a pen in ink you need to make an initial stroke or two in order to get the excess out and not have it gush onto your page. I don't like just making lines so I doodle. I started out drawing suns, then a monkey. Then it seemed cruel to leave the monkey floating out in space so I put him on a log in the river. Then I realized the scene needed more conflict and I added some hungry crocs. Then I added an island with a gift shop. All of this was done a few strokes at a time with excess ink.

I also just received a copy of SATURDAY by Ian McEwan I won from The Alliterative Allomorph.  The Greek stamps on the envelope were pretty spiffy.   

Tomorrow Mpax will be stopping by for MTMWT. Wed. more ponderings of wisdom and Thurs. another dip into the ole' mailbag (Like how I make it sound like it's more than two weeks old by calling it the ole' mailbag? I know, right?)

-Chris

Chris Phi(l)lips' Mailbag: Simply Too Funny

2011-04-14T05:59:00.005-05:00

It's time for our first dip into the mailbag.  This week's letter comes from the Anti Joy Committee from Ann Arbor, MI.  The Anti-Joy Committee Writes:

Dear Mr. Phillips,

Have you ever considered just having one "l" in your name? It would make it easier to remember. Just a suggestion.

It's come to our attention that your posts are simply too funny. People have had fits. Comedians have lost their jobs. Milk has been squirted out of so many noses that it's now curdled and we are facing a Spoiled Milk Emergency (S.M.E.).

Stop laughing, Mr. Philips (see? much easier), this is an important matter that needs to be addressed immediately. Please reply with a list of ways you will make your blog and person less funny.

The world depends on it.

Sincerely,

The Anti-Joy Committee
(for the protection of downcast citizens everywhere)

Anti-Joy Comm.,

First, let me tell you that I have looked into the name thing prior to this.  It seems the Philips corporation holds the copyright to using only one l in Phillips.  They said I'd have to pay them $200 a year to spell it that way and that I couldn't buy any more of those fancy curly light bulbs, so I'm sticking with my original spelling.  I could go to a symbol like Prince, but he already eliminated guitars, ankhs, and the male symbol in one shot, so I don't think I can outdo that.  

Secondly comedians do not really have jobs.  Come on. 

Lastly, S.M.E.'s are more commonly known as Soggy Mucus Excretions, a phenomenon caused by too much milk passing through the sinus cavity.  Lydia Kang is going to feature it on Medical Mondays next week, I think.  It is very serious, and as a folk hero, I'd like to do my part.  I have several ideas to make my blog less funny.  I will start by changing my blog background to something with a base color or a flower pattern.  Then I would change my picture to be of me wearing khakis, because everyone knows khakis mean business.  All future polls will be used to compare vegetables like Broccoli vs. Cauliflower.  

Also starting today, my schedule is as follows:  Mondays are for Meat-loafs.  Tuesdays will go from Music To Make Write To to Music From 1947.  And Thursdays I will post pictures of carpet samples.  Carpet samples are quite soothing.

Hope this helps. 

Your Pal, Chris Phillips

Chris Ponders Wise Old Sayings 4/13

2011-04-13T06:00:00.001-05:00

You are what you eat... my dog eats her own poop, which is made up of what she has already eaten.  That is both paradoxical and gross.  I think I'll stop petting her from now on.

The early bird catches the worm... So first he has to get up early, and now you're telling me he has to eat worms because of it?  Raw deal!  Sleep in, Lil' Buddy!  I'll make you pancakes.

A bird in hand is worth two in the bush... What if you are holding the bush that the birds are in? Does that make it worth more, or the same, since 1x2 is still two?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me... Fool me three times and I'll probably punch you in the ear and/or delete you from Facebook.

-Chris

P.S. Come back tomorrow for a dip in the ole' mailbag.

Music To Make Write To Starring Vicki

2011-04-12T05:59:00.008-05:00

It took awhile for our computers to select Vicki, mostly because this is the only picture I have to go off of.

The computer initially wouldn't pick Vicki, because it thought she was too pale. But anyway here we we go.

Thanks, Chris, for inviting me to share my twisted taste in music! You've had such bloggy superstars gracing your screen, I'm really feeling the pressure! Generally speaking I don't listen to music when I'm writing. But I will listen when I'm *thinking* about writing. Is that weird? I either listen to songs that are related theme-wise to the scene or songs that get me jazzed up.

Because my main character is a little on the arrogant side (hey, he's a god!), I tend to listen to songs from Depeche Mode's Faith & Devotion album. I really like Get Right with Me.

I also really like Maroon 5's Hands All Over...while it's not god-like it does help me channel Murphy's cocky attitude.

I just discovered The Man Who Can't Be Moved by The Script and it's one of those songs that really resonates with me and makes me want to write.

&lt;p&gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;l&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&lt;/p&gt;

Oddz N' Endz

2011-04-11T06:02:00.006-05:00

For those of you doing the A-Z challenge, today is i.

The poll has closed.  The results are as follows: 9 people Hate Lindsay Lohan, Nick Nolte has 2 people who hate him, and only one of you hates Charlie Sheen.

There are really three categories here:

-People who will spend your tax refund on drugs (Nolte Sheen, Lohan)

-People who will get you sent to jail (McMillian (who doesn't think you need to pay that many taxes.)Madoff (who thinks you made a lot more last year than you really did.))

-Giant Robots (Starscream)

Starscream won't make you pay taxes, but he'd probably make you a slave or crush you.  I'd rather not get a refund than go to jail.  I'd pick Sheen to do my taxes, because he's WINNING! and he seems like the most fun druggie to be around.  I'd least like Madoff to do them.  

Come back tomorrow for MTMWT with Vicki Rocho.

-Chris

Chris Phillips' Mailbag.

2011-04-07T11:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Bloggoverse,

I want to start a segment where I answer people's emails or questions.  Unfortunately, I'm not popular enough to get emails about anything other than male enhancement or sending money to Africa (dudes, I'm going to be so rich real soon.)  So I need to open up the floor.  Email me or leave a comment, whichevs.  I'll format one question a week like this:

This email is from Roger in Zambia.  Roger writes:

Dear Mr. Phillips,

Do you want to send me some money here in Africa?  I have come into the fortune of Prince Waunzooba of the Himbautoo peopl.  However, do to the red tapes I cannot free the money.  Any investors who invest the $10,000 will get at least $750,000 in return when the full fortune is transfered to the Uninted Statez.  Please act quickly I have several investors ready to invest, but thought I would email you first on your hotmail account just in case.

Sincerely,

Roger

Then I'd answer the question like so:

Dear Roger,

At first I was skeptical of your email.  Fortunately for you the signature read "sincerely" so now I'm just going with it.  I would love to send you some money.  With the returns you were talking about I would like to invest the full $100,000 my Nana left me when she passed.  However, the government has it in some kind of trust that I cannot get out without major penalties.  So If you would just send me $20,000 I can get it out, then give it to you so you can get your money out.  Dude, we are going to be so rich!  We are going to build a fort from our money with a working money draw-bridge.  I was thinking about building a big vault and filling it with cash and gold coins like Scrooge McDuck and then swimming in it. 

Here is a sketch I made of the plans

 Let me know what you think, bro.

Your Pal,

Chris Phillips

So that would be the basic format.  I would try to do one a week until the money comes and I'm WAY too rich for this place.

-Chris

Music To Make Write To Starring Matthew Rush

2011-04-05T05:58:00.001-05:00

This week to pick our MTMWT participant I went back to the process of using super computers to choose the best looking bloggers. 
How could the computers deny that face?


Amirite?  Anyway, here are his picks:

Kid Koala:

So it probably has a lot to do  with the fact that my novel features a lot of Asian culture, but I just  love the traditional Chinese folk song that forms the background for  this track. Plus there's scratching.

Bassbin Twins:

I can  practically guarantee that no one has ever heard of this guy, but he  gets my head nodding like no one else. He actually produced a track for a  record label I used to be part of: Butterbeat Records, but that was  before I joined up. This one gets me in the mood for writing any kind of  scene, because the music is so varied.

Joni Mitchell:

This is one  of the saddest songs I know, even though the music is beautiful,  especially Joni's voice. The line 'don't it always seem to go, you don't  know what you've got til it's gone' is a bit of a mantra for my life.  Unfortunately, for me, it's always related to lost loved ones, which can  be a tough thing to write about, so it's great to have a song that can  help you through. Writing can be theraputic too.

Thanks Chris!

Oddz N' Endzzzzz

2011-04-04T06:00:00.004-05:00

****DO NOT FORGET TO VOTE ON THE POLL ON THE RIGHT!****

Sup, my beautiful peoples?  Short and sweet today.  I'm trying to paint something the next few days to submit somewhere, we'll see how that goes.  Also trying to finish revisions on a chapter book to give to my betas by the end of the week.  I will be kind of absent from here for the most of this week.  Come back tomorrow for MTMWT with Matthew Rush.  

-Chris

New Poll!

2011-04-01T05:55:00.006-05:00

I haven't done a poll in awhile.  Thought I should bust out a new one. In honor of tax season:
Who would you least like to have do your taxes?Your Choices:
 Bernie Madoff
 Charie Sheen

 Jimmy McMillan
 Lindsay Lohan
 StarScream
 Nick Nolte 
Be sure and vote or I'll scratch you off of my friend's list.  

Have a good weekend! 

-Chris

Music To Make Write To with Jessic Bell

2011-03-29T06:00:00.002-05:00

This week for deciding on our MTMWT participant I wanted to try something new.  I loaded my dryer with pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters; then I Jerry rigged it to run with the door open.  Each coin had a designation of which participant got the nod.  Unfortunately I found out:

a) bad idea

b) they all fly out at once and they're kinda hot

c) you shouldn't sit in front of it 

d) bad idea.

 So I just went with the first person who volunteered to do it.  So here is Jessica Bell to share her 3 writing fav's.

Artist: Porno for Pyros

Song: Kimbery Austin

This song gets me in a happy mood. I'm always in a depressed mood  when I write for some reason, so this gets me appropraitely bouncy for -  you know - happy love scenes, mother/daughter scenes - realizing that  the life is good scenes, etc etc. Plus, I've been a fan of these guys  since my teens, so I ain't gonna kick the habit!

Artist: Aimee Mann
Song: Wise up

This song gets me as low as low as low as low and is guaranteed to  make me cry EVERY time I listen to it. People cry a lot in my work so  this comes in handy. Then I go and hide in my bedroom and bawl my eyes  out ... But I'm good as gold afterwards I promise! :o) It's very  cleansing!
  
Artist: Nine Inch Nails
Song: Closer

Well, again, this is another teen favorite. Makes me wanna slip  into my black patent leather body suit (well, if I owned one!). ;o) Need  I say more?
-Jessica Bell

Odds N' Endz

2011-03-28T06:00:00.000-05:00

Hey, Kids!

Let's start out by talking about me, since I'm awesome. I won 2nd place in a poetry contest. I know you are all asking yourself if it was the Pulitzer's, and if so, how I didn't just win outright. But actually, I came in 2nd in Angela Felsted's Looking Glass Poetry Battle. Normally in a battle I'd use an axe, or flame thrower, or something manly, but she said we had to submit poems. What are ya gonna do, right? Anyhow, August is Chris Phillips month on her blog! My poem will be posted on August 1st and I will also post there on the 29th.

Janet Sumner Johnson and Co. are giving away a 10 page critique by Sarah LaPolla of Curtis Brown starting March 28. 
  

Come back tomorrow for MTMWT with Jessica Bell. Also, her book trailer just came out. Check it out below.

-Chris

Giving Up and AppleBees Commercials / Subtitled: Writing Good in the Neighborhood

2011-03-25T05:57:00.006-05:00

There are days like today where I just want to give up writing.  Not completely, just writing that requires work.  Right now, to get my own book I have to spend months writing/revising and then go through the gauntlet that is the query process.  But what If I just said eff it?  Is there really an easy way to get paid to write?  Of course!  I could write AppleBee's commercials.  Here is their latest TV ad.

Through all of my high dollar sources I was able to obtain a copy of the actual script for that commercial so you could see it.  Mind you it's just a copy, since they let the author keep the cocktail napkin he wrote it on.  

AppleBee's Bourbon St. Ad 2011

AppleBee's Logo and 2 for $20 flashes on black background with white lettering.

The scene opens with friends jubilantly enjoying dinner at an AppleBee's.

Bro 1:

Hi Sarah!

Sarah:

Hey! It's my favorite 2 for 20 club (spoken like she doesn't say that to all the 2 for 20 clubs.) Back for new Bourbon St. entrees?

Obvious noob:

Bourbon St?

Sarah:

I see we have a new member.

Sarah looks around to make sure everyone is waiting for the punchline with bated breath and also to fill the entire 30 second spot.

Sarah:

(leaning in) Welcome to the club.

Shot cuts back to friends who are both awwing at said punch line and laughing uncontrollably.

Bourbon St. entrees fall delicately onto plate as unidentified spices cascade downward from an unknown, possibly heavenly source. Elsewhere, a nacho pulls taffy-like cheese, and tongs flip a succulent sirloin.

Emphasis should be put on how late the restaurant is open in case you are super baked and want to tackle 2 entrees for $20 at 11:47PM.

And Scene.

-Chris

Blog Hype

2011-03-24T05:57:00.001-05:00

My fictitious agent, that only exists for the purposes of this post, has advised me to start hyping things up a bit around here to build buzz.  He wanted me to get some billboards but those are pretty expensive, so I've just been ripping down other people's and writing my blog ads in sharpie.  It's in the corner.  If you look really hard next time you drive by... you'll probably drive into a telephone pole or something, so I guess don't do that.  Let's move on.  

He also said to get someone famous to give my blog some shout outs.  Unfortunately 50 Cent won't return any of my calls.  Brent Spiner (Data from Star Trek Generations) was available but wouldn't come in costume, so what's the point? amirite?

Lastly he said to announce my really good posts ahead of time to build suspense and momentum.  So I want to let you all know that tomorrow's post will be REALLY good.  Today's is crap, but tomorrows... Whoahohoh!  That one will be a doozie.  See you then. 

-Chris

	Bernie Madoff
	Charie Sheen
	Jimmy McMillan
	Lindsay Lohan
	StarScream
	Nick Nolte

Chris Phillips

Music to Make Write to 2/7

Music to Make Write to:

Glasschord Part 2

New Years Resolmolution 2012

De Ja Vu Blogest:

Clean Bill of Health

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: Christmas Season

What's the most annoying thing about Christmas?

String Bridge Magical Mystery Tour: InteReview

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: Sparking Carrots

Music To Make Write To: Request Line

Chart Rush!

Wise New Sayings 11/9

Music To Make Write To: Request Line

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: A Warning

Need Your Input

Music To Make Write To

Apologies

Important Announcements!

Important Announcement Coming Tomorrow! (I think.. maybe)

Worst Movies Blogfest

Happy Birthday to Blog! Choose Your Own Adventure

First Campaigner Challenge

Exclamation Points!

Guerilla Operations North American Defense Squadron of the Future, subtitled: A Long Line of G.O.N.A.D.S.

Choose Your Own Adventure Friday

The Chris Phillips Patented 4 Step Procedure for Coping With Rejection.

Upcoming Events in My Area (Omaha)

25 Years ago

Choose Your Own Adventure Friday: Vacation Edition

Longfellow

Oddz N' Endz 8/22

Choose Your Own Adventure Friday

Choose Your Own Adventure Friday

Oddz N' Endz 8/10

Live Blog: Hunger Games

Weekend Update

Oddz n' Endz

Chris Phillips: Poet Laureate of the Bloggosphere!

Weekend Update 7/8

More Chapterbook Word Counts

Correction

suc·cess noun \sək-ˈses\

Oddz N' Endz

Music To Make Write To Starring Stephanie M. Loree

Technical difficulty

Word Count for Lower Grade Chapter Books

Music To Make Write To Starring... Cheese?

Fun N' Games

Book Reviewish Thing: 4th Stall

Question: Funny On Command

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: When You Land an Agent

Music to Make Write to Starring Debbie LaCroix

SCBWI Dakotas Conference Wrap-Up

Chris Phillips' Mailbag - Title

Chris Phillips Ponders Wise Old Sayings 5/18

Music To Make Write To Starring Kelly Polark

Laughter is the Best Medicine Blog Partay!

Oddz n' Endz 5/16

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: Sugar Daddy

Chris Phillips Ponders Wise Old Sayings 5/11

Music To Make Write To Starring Liz Fichera

Oddz/Endz 5/9

Happy Mother's Day

So.. I'm on The Twitter

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: Cold Feet

Chris Phillips Ponders Wise Old Sayings 5/4

Music To Make Write To Guest Starring Talli Rolland

Oddz n' Endz

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: Jelly Beans

Chris Phillips Ponders The Wisest Saying of All: Haterz Gonna' Hate

Oddz n' Endzzzzzz

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: Lettuce

Chris Ponders Wise Old Sayings 4/25

Music To Make Write To Featuring MPax

Artworks

Odds N' Ends

Chris Phi(l)lips' Mailbag: Simply Too Funny

Chris Ponders Wise Old Sayings 4/13