Thursday, April 28, 2011

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: Jelly Beans

This week's letter comes to us from Summer Ross of Washakie, Wyoming.  Summer Writes:

Hi.  I had a great Easter.  How was yours?  Speaking of Easter, What kind of Easter jellybean would you be and why?

K Bye!
Summer

Summer,
My Easter was delightful.  Believe it or not this question has nothing to do with what kind of jelly bean I like.  In your scenario, I have no arms or legs and I'm going to eventually be eaten to death.  The question your posing truly is, "Chris, How do you want to die(if you were a candy bean thingy?)"

Here are my options:
-I could choose to die quickly by being a red jellybean, because that is the best flavor.
-I could choose to watch my friends the red jellybeans die and then also get eaten quickly by being the orange, pink, or yellow jellybeans.
-I could choose to be ignored and picked around, and still killed later by being the green jelly bean.
-I could choose to wait for my death but confuse my killer by saying, Ha!  I don't even really taste like grapes at all!  Booyah!" and be the purple jellybean. 
-Or I could wait and die mostly of old age until I am eaten and then spit out by some kid who didn't know black jellybeans were probably the worst idea ever.

I'm going to choose the path of the quick and the dead and go with red.  Hope this helps.

Your Special Jellybean,
Chris Phillips

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Chris Phillips Ponders The Wisest Saying of All: Haterz Gonna' Hate

I could offer a few brilliant quotes from Gandhi, or E.E. Cummings about being true to yourself (and with a name like E.E. Cummings he probably came up with a few doozies) but no matter who gets quoted or which elegant words they chose they will never sum it up quite like this.


funny gifs

This year, when I've told tell people I'm writing a kid's book, I've garnered numerous looks from people I know.  Looks that say, "Are you really sure?"  "Get a real job!" or "Hey you, quit drinking malt liquor out in front of our store!"  But I say, march on my slightly pudgy friend!  (The guy in the first picture, not me!)  March on! 


-Chris

Monday, April 25, 2011

Oddz n' Endzzzzzz

Hope everyone had a good Easter.  Mine was pretty meh.  It seems like every business in Omaha decided to crap on me one at a time.  Short story, never buy EA games or go to the L St. Wal-Mart. 

If you haven't gotten a chance to read Elena Solodow's novel excerpt, go here to get details. 

There is a newish poll on the right ---> 

Go here to check out Liz Fichera's new book cover that is debuting today.

This week: 
Tues: No MTMWT
Wed: Chris Phillips Ponders 
Thurs: Mailbag 
Fri-Sun: I drink myself into a coma, just not on the blog.  

That's it for now.  If you ever have anything you want mentioned here on oddz n' endzizzzz, just email it to me. 

-Chris

 

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Chris Phillips' Mailbag: Lettuce

If you want to be sure and get your questions answered,  email them to me, or put it in the comments.  This week's letter comes to us from Sharon K. Mayhew of Winnebago, IA.  Sharon writes:

Dear Chris,
I am a huge fan of your blog!  I even have a Chris Phillips' Blog T-shirt!  What is your favorite type of lettuce and why? 
Sincerely,
Sharon

Sharon, 
To be honest I eat mostly Romaine lettuce in salads and wraps.  But the lettuce that has me the most by the heart strings has got to be Mesclun.


It's not particularly tasty or satisfying, but the name is great.  I keep a bag or two of fresh mesclun in my trunk at all times.  That way when the cops pull me over I say, "Officer, can we hurry this up?  I have fresh mesclun in my trunk and I want to get it home right away."  Then, after he tases me and looks in my trunk for what he believe to be mescaline (a psychedelic drug,) I get off scott-free without a ticket and I have a nice healthy settlement check, which I can buy more Romaine lettuce with.

Your Pal,
Chris

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Chris Ponders Wise Old Sayings 4/25

*Edit* This was my 100th post!  Go Me!

Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart...  Or your tacos go to your colon.

Criticizing is easy, art is difficult...  Criticizing art is really easy.

Treat others as you yourself would be treated...  But I keep offering people full body oil massages and they just look at me like I'm some kind of creeper!

No use crying over spilled milk... But what if someone else cleans it up because they feel sorry for me?


-Chris

P.S. Come back tomorrow for another dip in the ole' mailbag.  

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Music To Make Write To Featuring MPax

This week the computers have chosen Mpax.  And with this profile pic:


I'm surprised she wasn't picked long ago. Take er' away, Mpax!


Well, for all three of these artists, anything they sing is fine with me. And you make me miss the fact I have not created a playlist on my new computer yet. So yes, I've been working to the sounds of traffic and cats and husbands.
Anyway, my list:




1. Paranoid Android by Radiohead. It helped inspire my second novel. It's moody and original. And it fit with my cyberpunk prose.



2. I adore Muse and they have many songs that inspire me -- OK, all of them. My current favorite is Starlight. But Uprising was an inspiration for my second novel, too. For now, I'd go with Starlight.



3. Anything by Elvis Costello. His silky voice ... well, he could just sing URL's until time ends and I'd remain a devoted fan. Besides his yummy voice, he's also an incredible songwriter. Love his old stuff with the Attractions and the new stuff. Picking one song is tough ... Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood. Soulful and passionate. How I'd like my characters to be.

~Mary

Artworks

This post is a fluid posting of samples of my art.  If you have any questions about my work, feel free to email me.  All works are copyrighted. 









Monday, April 18, 2011

Odds N' Ends

I've finally put the finishing touches on a painting I'd been working on for submission.  I'm not sure it's good enough, but we'll see where it goes.  I can't show you the finished work, but I can show you my dumping stroke page.  I used an ink pen to outline the important figures after painting.  Anytime you dip a pen in ink you need to make an initial stroke or two in order to get the excess out and not have it gush onto your page.  I don't like just making lines so I doodle.  I started out drawing suns, then a monkey.  Then it seemed cruel to leave the monkey floating out in space so I put him on a log in the river.  Then I realized the scene needed more conflict and I added some hungry crocs.  Then I added an island with a gift shop.  All of this was done a few strokes at a time with excess ink. 





I also just received a copy of SATURDAY by Ian McEwan I won from The Alliterative Allomorph.  The Greek stamps on the envelope were pretty spiffy.   

Tomorrow Mpax will be stopping by for MTMWT.  Wed. more ponderings of wisdom and Thurs. another dip into the ole' mailbag (Like how I make it sound like it's more than two weeks old by calling it the ole' mailbag?  I know, right?)


-Chris

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Chris Phi(l)lips' Mailbag: Simply Too Funny

It's time for our first dip into the mailbag.  This week's letter comes from the Anti Joy Committee from Ann Arbor, MI.  The Anti-Joy Committee Writes:

Dear Mr. Phillips,

Have you ever considered just having one "l" in your name? It would make it easier to remember. Just a suggestion.

It's come to our attention that your posts are simply too funny. People have had fits. Comedians have lost their jobs. Milk has been squirted out of so many noses that it's now curdled and we are facing a Spoiled Milk Emergency (S.M.E.).

Stop laughing, Mr. Philips (see? much easier), this is an important matter that needs to be addressed immediately. Please reply with a list of ways you will make your blog and person less funny.

The world depends on it.

Sincerely,

The Anti-Joy Committee
(for the protection of downcast citizens everywhere)
Anti-Joy Comm.,
First, let me tell you that I have looked into the name thing prior to this.  It seems the Philips corporation holds the copyright to using only one l in Phillips.  They said I'd have to pay them $200 a year to spell it that way and that I couldn't buy any more of those fancy curly light bulbs, so I'm sticking with my original spelling.  I could go to a symbol like Prince, but he already eliminated guitars, ankhs, and the male symbol in one shot, so I don't think I can outdo that.  

Secondly comedians do not really have jobs.  Come on.

Lastly, S.M.E.'s are more commonly known as Soggy Mucus Excretions, a phenomenon caused by too much milk passing through the sinus cavity.  Lydia Kang is going to feature it on Medical Mondays next week, I think.  It is very serious, and as a folk hero, I'd like to do my part.  I have several ideas to make my blog less funny.  I will start by changing my blog background to something with a base color or a flower pattern.  Then I would change my picture to be of me wearing khakis, because everyone knows khakis mean business.  All future polls will be used to compare vegetables like Broccoli vs. Cauliflower. 

Also starting today, my schedule is as follows:  Mondays are for Meat-loafs.  Tuesdays will go from Music To Make Write To to Music From 1947.  And Thursdays I will post pictures of carpet samples.  Carpet samples are quite soothing.

Hope this helps. 

Your Pal, Chris Phillips

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Chris Ponders Wise Old Sayings 4/13

You are what you eat... my dog eats her own poop, which is made up of what she has already eaten.  That is both paradoxical and gross.  I think I'll stop petting her from now on.

The early bird catches the worm... So first he has to get up early, and now you're telling me he has to eat worms because of it?  Raw deal!  Sleep in, Lil' Buddy!  I'll make you pancakes.



A bird in hand is worth two in the bush...  What if you are holding the bush that the birds are in?  Does that make it worth more, or the same, since 1x2 is still two?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me... Fool me three times and I'll probably punch you in the ear and/or delete you from Facebook. 


-Chris 

P.S. Come back tomorrow for a dip in the ole' mailbag.  

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Music To Make Write To Starring Vicki

It took awhile for our computers to select Vicki, mostly because this is the only picture I have to go off of.

 The computer initially wouldn't pick Vicki, because it thought she was too pale.  But anyway here we we go.


Thanks, Chris, for inviting me to share my twisted taste in music!  You've had such bloggy superstars gracing your screen, I'm really feeling the pressure!  Generally speaking I don't listen to music when I'm writing.  But I will listen when I'm *thinking* about writing.  Is that weird?  I either listen to songs that are related theme-wise to the scene or songs that get me jazzed up.


Because my main character is a little on the arrogant side (hey, he's a god!), I tend to listen to songs from Depeche Mode's Faith & Devotion album.  I really like Get Right with Me.
 

I also really like Maroon 5's Hands All Over...while it's not god-like it does help me channel Murphy's cocky attitude. 


I just discovered The Man Who Can't Be Moved by The Script and it's one of those songs that really resonates with me and makes me want to write. 





Monday, April 11, 2011

Oddz N' Endz

For those of you doing the A-Z challenge, today is i.

The poll has closed.  The results are as follows: 9 people Hate Lindsay Lohan, Nick Nolte has 2 people who hate him, and only one of you hates Charlie Sheen.

There are really three categories here:

-People who will spend your tax refund on drugs (Nolte Sheen, Lohan)
-People who will get you sent to jail (McMillian (who doesn't think you need to pay that many taxes.)Madoff (who thinks you made a lot more last year than you really did.))
-Giant Robots (Starscream)

Starscream won't make you pay taxes, but he'd probably make you a slave or crush you.  I'd rather not get a refund than go to jail.  I'd pick Sheen to do my taxes, because he's WINNING! and he seems like the most fun druggie to be around.  I'd least like Madoff to do them. 

Come back tomorrow for MTMWT with Vicki Rocho.

-Chris

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Chris Phillips' Mailbag.

Dear Bloggoverse,

I want to start a segment where I answer people's emails or questions. Unfortunately, I'm not popular enough to get emails about anything other than male enhancement or sending money to Africa (dudes, I'm going to be so rich real soon.) So I need to open up the floor. Email me or leave a comment, whichevs. I'll format one question a week like this:

This email is from Roger in Zambia. Roger writes:

Dear Mr. Phillips,
Do you want to send me some money here in Africa? I have come into the fortune of Prince Waunzooba of the Himbautoo peopl. However, do to the red tapes I cannot free the money. Any investors who invest the $10,000 will get at least $750,000 in return when the full fortune is transfered to the Uninted Statez.  Please act quickly I have several investors ready to invest, but thought I would email you first on your hotmail account just in case.

Sincerely,
Roger

Then I'd answer the question like so:

Dear Roger,
At first I was skeptical of your email. Fortunately for you the signature read "sincerely" so now I'm just going with it. I would love to send you some money. With the returns you were talking about I would like to invest the full $100,000 my Nana left me when she passed. However, the government has it in some kind of trust that I cannot get out without major penalties. So If you would just send me $20,000 I can get it out, then give it to you so you can get your money out. Dude, we are going to be so rich! We are going to build a fort from our money with a working money draw-bridge. I was thinking about building a big vault and filling it with cash and gold coins like Scrooge McDuck and then swimming in it. 

Here is a sketch I made of the plans


Let me know what you think, bro.

Your Pal,
Chris Phillips

So that would be the basic format.  I would try to do one a week until the money comes and I'm WAY too rich for this place.
-Chris

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Music To Make Write To Starring Matthew Rush

This week to pick our MTMWT participant I went back to the process of using super computers to choose the best looking bloggers. 
How could the computers deny that face?


Amirite?  Anyway, here are his picks:


Kid Koala:


So it probably has a lot to do with the fact that my novel features a lot of Asian culture, but I just love the traditional Chinese folk song that forms the background for this track. Plus there's scratching.

Bassbin Twins:


I can practically guarantee that no one has ever heard of this guy, but he gets my head nodding like no one else. He actually produced a track for a record label I used to be part of: Butterbeat Records, but that was before I joined up. This one gets me in the mood for writing any kind of scene, because the music is so varied.

Joni Mitchell:


This is one of the saddest songs I know, even though the music is beautiful, especially Joni's voice. The line 'don't it always seem to go, you don't know what you've got til it's gone' is a bit of a mantra for my life. Unfortunately, for me, it's always related to lost loved ones, which can be a tough thing to write about, so it's great to have a song that can help you through. Writing can be theraputic too.

Thanks Chris!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Oddz N' Endzzzzz

****DO NOT FORGET TO VOTE ON THE POLL ON THE RIGHT!****

Sup, my beautiful peoples?  Short and sweet today.  I'm trying to paint something the next few days to submit somewhere, we'll see how that goes.  Also trying to finish revisions on a chapter book to give to my betas by the end of the week.  I will be kind of absent from here for the most of this week.  Come back tomorrow for MTMWT with Matthew Rush

-Chris

Friday, April 1, 2011

New Poll!

I haven't done a poll in awhile.  Thought I should bust out a new one. In honor of tax season:

Who would you least like to have do your taxes?

Your Choices:
Bernie Madoff
Charie Sheen

Jimmy McMillan
Lindsay Lohan
StarScream
Nick Nolte 
Be sure and vote or I'll scratch you off of my friend's list. 

Have a good weekend! 

-Chris