Monday, January 31, 2011

An Ode to the Face Palm

When it comes right down to it few can deny that the internet has pretty much led to the degradation of society and the English language as we know it.  Now I know what most of you are thinking, "OMG, wtf, brokowski.  wut iz ur dealio?"   

Not one of us out there struggling to find an agent cannot blame a good portion of their procrastination from the craft of writing on Facebook, youtube, or playing effing worms.  Basically if the internet had never been created you would all be Earnest Hemingway (yes I'm calling you all alcoholics, but like super brilliant alcoholics.)

But even though the internet will inevitably lead to the demise of all of your deepest dreams and desires, there is one great thing that has come of it (two if you factor in my blog.) 



I present to you the facepalm.  Again, already know what you are thinking, "rotfl, dude.  I know peeps th@ already did that shiz be4 the interwebz."  True, but it wasn't funny.  Behold.



holy facepalm


facepalms in disguise

phasers set to facepalm

palm face

Really?  I have to look at your stupid collection again? fine.


 
"片仮名!" translation: facepalm


And my personal fav.
the implied facepalm

Time to go get something done (curse you interwebz!!111!)
 
-Chris

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Baltic Allied Lightning Liberation Squadron

Salutations!  This is my last fake query letter from the query tracker forums.


Dear Agent,

Remember the unpublished masterpiece Guerilla Operations North American Defense Squadron (G.O.N.A.D.S.) that I wrote and queried you for that one time?  Well now you have the opportunity to represent not only that book that hasn't at all been published but also the new action packed sequel entitled BALTIC ALLIED LIGHTNING LIBERATION SQUADRON (B.A.L.L.S.)  Join Duke Manchild, and Sheldon Steele as they form The Baltic Allied Lightning Liberation Squadron and tackle some hairy situations and bounce back and forth between exciting scenes of intense combat. 
This time our heroes must struggle against the Jyhadist Oppressive Confederated Killers (J.O.C.K.) in their new tactical vehicle the Baltic Allied Lightning Liberation Squadron Strategical Armored Car and save Finland! 
Baltic Allied Lightning Liberation Squadron is complete at 50,146 words exactly.  It must be sold with that other book you didn't represent me on yet or the background stuff will be too confusing.  Please contact me any time about this except on Thursday at 3 when I am in the makeshift dojo in my basement practicing my sai and nun-chuk skills. 

Yours ever so truly,
Broseph McDude.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Music To Make Write to Guest Starring Tracy

If you are still trying to check out all of the Top 10 Songs blog posts mine is here. 
 
This week we are beginning a new mode of the blogging sensation that has been sweeping the nation, Music to Make Write to.  For the next several installments I am making other people do my dirty work and give us songs that inspire them and some explanations for their picks.  Today Tracy from Forever Endeavor is joining us with three of her favorite songs.

Tracy's Jams:




Mads Langer -  Beauty of the Dark
This is one of my favorites when I’m writing a scene where my MC is in a painfully, bittersweet moment. There’s something soulfully haunting and powerful behind the build up of this song. Makes me want to put all my characters into angst-y situations just so I can listen to it non-stop.




Muse  - Supermassive Black Hole
I admit, I first heard this song from Twilight, but when I use it to write I don’t envision vampires playing baseball (though I adore both vampires and baseball). This is the song I love to listen to when there is good tension and my badass character is doing something that straddles the line between right and wrong.  Oh, it’s also my “let’s have hot, up-against-the-wall sex” scene song too.




Tantric  - Down and Out
This is my kick-ass, all the action/fighting/ battle-is-about-to-go-down RIGHT NOW song. I mean seriously, when a violin sounds evil and ominous, you know you’ve got a hell of a song!

That was fun!! You’re lucky I stopped myself at three. :D

-Tracy

Monday, January 24, 2011

Blogfest - Top 10 Songs

Today's post is a part of Alex Cavanaugh's Top 10 Songs That Make Your Botty Go Boump Chica Boump Bououououoump! BlogfestIf you haven't signed up yet, it is way too late and no one will respect your musical opinions this far into the game.  I had a hard time making this list because I listen to a lot of music, and it's hard to know what music I'm listening to now will stand the test of time.  Here we go: 

10) Joker - Steve Miller Band

Just a classic song.
 
9)  Log - Ren & Stimpy

Hilzarious.

8)  Bob Dylan - Times are a Changin'

I don't like every Dylan song, but it's like he was an oracle or something in this one.  

7)  NIN - Everyday is Exactly the Same



6)  Jars of Clay - Frail

I used this song to fall asleep to for almost an entire year.

5)  Beck - Loser

Soy un perdador.  I'm a loser, baby. You can say all you want about Nirvana starting 90's alternative, but this song was like the centerpiece. 

4)  Arrested Development - Tennesse

Best rap song lyrics ever.

3)  Blackbird - Paul McCartney

Amazing song, with amazing guitar technique, kind of hybrid of strumming and picking.  Not sure any Beatle ever wrote a better song.

2)  Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown - Jim Croce

While it's a little hokie, it was a song my mom told me my dad (named Leroy) liked so it has a lot of memory.  Jim was a pretty good song writer if you have a chance youtube him.

1)  Evaporated - Ben Fold Five 

This song never even made it off of the album in terms of being a hit, but I remember listening to this song 20 times in a row several times in high school.  The last stanza is the best.
Lyrics:
What I've kept with me
And what I've thrown away
And where the hell I've ended up
On this glary random day
Were the things I really cared about
Just left along the way
For being too pent up and proud

Woke up way too late
Feeling hung over and old
And the sun was shining bright
And I walked barefoot down the road
Started thing about my old man
It seems that all men
Wanna get into a car and go
Anywhere

Here I stand--sad & free
I can't cry and I can't see
What I've done
God...What have I done
So don't you know I'm numb, man
No I don't feel a thing at all
Cause its all smiles & business these days and I am indifferent to the loss
I've faith that there's a soul
whose leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is down...

I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
it evaporated...see?

Blind man on a canyon's edge
of a Panoramic scene
Or maybe I'm a kite
That's flying high & random
Dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
Head on a stranger's knee
I'm sure back home
They think I've lost my mind.
Can't wait to see what you peeps have on your lists.  Have a great week. 
 
-Chris

Friday, January 21, 2011

Emptying the sketchbook

If you've ever read a sports beat writer's page, they often have a paragraph at the end of their articles or blog posts under a heading the reads: "emptying the notebook."  Then they give you all of the team news they have that doesn't fit the headline and won't go into it's own piece.  So today I'm emptying my sketchbook in similar fashion.  This week I've been sketching plastic army men for a piece I want to submit somewhere to get an art cred. in my name.


This is a sketch for a WIP, the blue on the right was a royal foul-up and I realized after starting that I could not erase or blend the blue drawing stick thingy.


Just a sketch



Go to Wistful Nebulae if you get a chance for an amazing robot video (bottom of post.)  Merry Weekend!


-Chris

Thursday, January 20, 2011

World's Worst Query's - Guerilla Operations North American Defense Squadron

Before we get started make sure you check out Alex's Top 10 Songs Blogfest and sign up before Monday.  

Okay.  Settled?  Good.  This is the next to last installment of my World's Worst Query Letters that I posted on querytracker.com under the name nigelhabberdash.  This query letter is not actually real, even though the idea is probably a blockbuster hit waiting to happen.  

Dear Agent,

Are you ready to get pumpt?!?
Richard Burke, Duke Manchild, and Sheldon Steele make up the rogue special forces unit known throughout the world as the Guerilla Operations North American Defense Squadron (G.O.N.A.D.S.)  Join them as they fight communism with fists and grenades.  Sometimes they use guns too.

Guerilla Operations North American Defense Squadron is complete at eleventy million words.  It is a stand alone with definite series potential.  Please request a full manuscript (unless you are some kind of girl) at your earliest convenience at broseph(at)gitpumpt(dot)com. 

Yours Truly,

Broseph McDude

-Chris

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Music to Make Write To: Denouement



Denouement is a French word that translates something to the effect of "tying up loose ends." It is pronounced (day-new-mon(but like the n at the end is dampened and said ever so daintily.)) It helps when trying to pronounce this overly French word around your friends if you eat a crepe and surrender at the same time.

Anyway... This is the end of your book. Kiss it good bye (that is until you go to edit/revise 1,000,041 times.) There are two ways to go here. Happy or sad. Perhaps Rico and Antonia are finally sailing off into the sunset together, in which case this would fit.





But if the world has been turned into a wasteland of zombie/vampire hybrids at the end of which the last two uninfected vampires get infected and turn in each others arms to culminate the end of us all... this might be more appropriate. 
 



This is the end of this series, unless someone has a suggestion I'll just go back to posting a bunch of rocktastic songs to write to.  Let me know down below.  

-Chris

Monday, January 17, 2011

Poll Results: Ficticious Vehicle Edition

You've voted and once again here are the results:

Q: Which fictitious vehicle do you want the most?

a) The Delorean (3)

 

 

This famous movie car was based on an actual car made in the 80's in Northern Ireland.  Like all things made in Northern Ireland Doc Brown was able to make his run on beer.  Although most of them didn't fly or travel through time when you reached 80 miles per hour.   If you voted for this tell me where you'd go in the comments.

 

b) Mystery Van (1)

 

 

So you're driving around a green van with flowers all over it looking for monsters, you haven't cut you hair ever, you eat all the time, and are super paranoid about ghosts.  Yeah... real mystery about what you guys are doing in there.

 

 "Can I see your license and registration?"

 
"Ruh-Roh!"

c) Jetsons Aerocar (3)


Flying car = cool
Having a 1 star crash rating because the entire top of your car is glass = not as cool.
Also the trunk space is terrible.

d) A Camry that stops when you hit the brakes (1)

 

What good are side airbags if you never get to use em?

e) The General Lee (1)

 

 

So wait a minute... I just passed up a car without brakes, for a car that has doors that don't open?  Raw Deal!  Cool horn though.

 

f) Voltron (0)

 


 

Easiest choice ever.  Do you want to drive a 40 story tall robot to work today, or just take one of robot lions instead?  What's that you say?  You don't want to take the green lion.  That is okay, just take the red one.  Finding a parking space can be a bitch though.

 

 

 

g) The Batmobile (6)

 

 

Though versions have varied greatly throughout the generations the best are the original and the newest one used in the Bale movies. If you picked this let me know your favorite Batman movie, or tv show in the comments.

-Chris 


Thursday, January 13, 2011

2nd Best Query Ever

I hope everyone is having a good week.  I am officially enrolled in a creative writing class at UNO and officially a "Maverick."  Who wants to be "Goose?" 

I'm posting another mock query from the World's Worst Query Forum.  I originally posted this on El Trackero Del Queryo.  

Dear Agent,

So like here is what happens...  There is this dude who lives in a hole in the ground.  It is kind of like a sod house but more in the shape of a hole that is in the ground.  

So anyhow he's really short and so is everyone else in his town and they have big hairy feet.  Well this tall wizzard makes him host a party for some other short dudes, but not the same kind of short dudes and they decide to go kick a dragon out of their mountain.  

Some other cool stuff happens like when the first short dude finds a ring that makes him invisible.  He gets it from this crazy looking dude who looks like if Steve Buchemi, Alan Greenspan, the crypt keeper, and lady gaga all had babies and then their babies all had more babies with each other.  And then some goblins and wolf people come and a man shoots he dragon in the only place he's vulnerable and the first short dude gets paid.

My fantasy fiction SOME SHORT DUDES WITH SOME OTHER SHORT DUDES AND A MAN ALL ON A MOUNTAIN FIGHTING A DRAGON  is complete at around 700 words.  It is meant to be a stand alone and there is like 0% chance of series potential.  Most of the people I showed it to liked it when they read it... except Tom.

My background is in arc welding.  But I also am really good at guitar hero and have unlocked all of the beetles songs on the beetles guitar hero.  I have been published before.  Mostly on laffy taffy wrappers.

Thanks and let me know how many pages you want me to send.

Your Pal,

-Nigel Habberdash


Do not forget the poll on the right!

-Chris

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Music to Make Write to: Falling Action

Chart:

If you squint your eyes you will notice that the chart looks slightly like a robot!  Or a mountain.  Let's go with mountain.  When you come down a mountain the important thing to remember is to go slow or you could die gruesomely.  

To me falling action music is slower, not super depressing, but kind of deflating.  It should let you float down from the peak you just ascended.  It's up to you if the landing is hard or soft.  I want music I could fall asleep to here.  Let me know some of your thoughts in the comments.

Selection 1 is by Mogwai (best band name evar!) called Take Me Somewhere Nice.



The next song is a Radiohead cover done by Scala and the Kolacny Bros(they are like the Mario Bros. but with violins instead of plungers.)




New poll on the right.

-Chris

Monday, January 10, 2011

Poll Results - Jbiebzy edition

It's that time of week again when your vote is all that matters.  Let's go to the results!

 

Q: Hi, I'm Justin Bieber. Would you rather...

 

a) Punch me (3)

Why would you want to hurt the J-biebzy?  What did J-biebzy ever do to you?  Oh that's right. He force fed America this little diddy:



b) Have me sing to you (1)



c) Throw me in the ocean (4)


"I'm like baby, baby, baby oh... nooooo! (splash!)"  
This is by far the best option.  Punching minors is illegal  ...my friend says ...anyway, he'll either sink or at least the water might help with the hair problem, unless of course the mix of salt and pomade is toxic.  And no one wants another BP (Beiber Pomade) disaster.  Since we all know Biebzy loves the marine life! 



d) Cuddle (0) -liars!-

(crickets chirping)

e) Fix my goofy hair (6)

Earlier this year Jbiebzy and Tom Brady were beefing about who copied whose hair style.  Here is the evidence:


Really I don't see it though.  It would be more appropriate to beef with her:


But I saw Million Dollar Baby and Hillary will knock you out, son.

f ) Both a and c (14)

At least give the kid a fighting chance!  



g) Both a and d (1)



Some of you have been watching WAY too much Californication.  No cuddling and punching!

Those are the results, check back later today or tomorrow and I'll have another poll running.

-Chris


Friday, January 7, 2011

Weekend Update: Air and Space Museum


This Tuesday I had the opportunity to visit the Air and Space Museum with some friends instead of doing important writerly things.  The museum is just west of Omaha and features a hodgepodge of airplanes, space vehicles, missile tech, automotive tech, and air-force memorabilia.  Basically anything the people who run it found that fit those categories got crammed into one of 2 massive hangars. 

Coolest shtuff:
-Planes
-WW2 and Air force firearms on display 
-inert nukes


Weirdest shtuff:
-pod racer replica and life sized Anakin
-blocked off star wars memorabilia section, with target sale price sticker on memorabilia
-Howard Hughes secret life exhibit with stuff that looked like it just got dug out of an attic

At least they let me fly the planes!



Have a good weekend!  There is a poll on the right------>

-Chris



Thursday, January 6, 2011

Probably the Best Query Ever

Hey, kittens.  Today I wanted to make sure you all knew about one of my favorite writing sites on the planet, querytracker.net.  I've posted about the website before, but one of my favorite parts is the forum side.  You can get help reviewing your synopsis, query, or first 5 pages.  But my favorite part ever is the World's Worst Query Forum.  We basically just throw down the opposite of a good query when we need a break from the trials and tribulations of actual querying.  Here was the first one I wrote there:


Dear Mr/Mrs. [insert book agent name]  <---- (Can you fill this part out for me?  I'm not sure if you are a dude or a broad and I'm not sure which agent from your agency will want to sign me first.)

I'm querying you because your agency has been responsible for some of my favorite romance novels that I've ever gotten at K-Mart.  It's really good stuff.  While my book is really not a romance I'm sure putting a book together is pretty much all the same process.

Have you ever wondered what happens when you flush the toilet?  You've been told that there are septic tanks, sewers, and facilities that take care of that kind of crap, but have you ever seen them?  Travel into a world of the unknown with John D. Sentari as he braves a baron wasteland in order to untangle a web of lies and deceit.

My Spaghetti-Western-Sci-fi-thirller, THE PORCELAIN RABBIT HOLE, is a fast paced 517,000 word novel that will have you sticking to the edge of your seat by your pants! 

My background is in alpaca ranching.  In my spare time I like to write, paint by number, and do heated yoga.  This is my first novel.

May Shiva smile upon you,

Nigel Habberdash

P.S  Can you let me know pretty quick?  I've got this query out to a lot of people.

Don't forget to vote on the poll on the right-hand side of the page.
-Chris

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Winning Entry

Before we get too far, check to the right for me Jbiebzy poll.  It won't be 100% accurate unless 146 of you vote, so make sure you vote now!

The $8 is mine, I can taste it!  Here is my entry for Elena Solodow's 100 words for $100 Kerbillion Dollar Stacks of Cash Giveaway Bonanza!


This is my entry, it might be terrible, and it contains an F bomb, so if that concerns you, avert your eyes!  Also if you are concerned at too much awesomeness too fast, avert your eyes from my entire blog!  Yeah!

entry:

Voter registration was a rush of freedom that could only be described as a Howard Hughes meets, John Lennon, meets the “Don’t taze me, Bro!” guy experience culminating  their love of liberty the moment I marked down independent on my voter registration form as a giant “fuck it” to my right wing capitalist up-bringing that taught me never to question, never to look deeper, never to seek a justification, and to choke down the stench of it all; that suddenly decrescendoed into oblivion the instant the portly woman behind the counter gruffly slid my selective service registration across the counter.

If you want a shot at the $8 of glory, visit Elena Solodow's page here.

I'm off to work on sending out queries... eeesh.

-Chris

Monday, January 3, 2011

Music to Make Write to: Climax

Week 1 
Week 2 

More mood music.  Here is the chart again.  

For those about to rock, we salute you!  This is the climax (In other words my best post ever!)  Your music here should be charged and drive you through the action.  This is your carbomb music, your Jason Bourne Hotel shootout symphony. I prefer to listen to angry rock music for this.   

I'm going to throw out some beauties, but like always what would you listen to in order to flavor your climax scenes?



This song was given to me by Candyland



Tool - Aenima (lots of language in this one.)  Anything Tool is good angry climax music. 




There is a new poll for this week on the right.  Rock the vote and such.


-Chris

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Poll

News and notes:

-Head over to Jen's blog for her 1,000 followers gift giveaway. You can win bath salts!
-Elena has a 100 words blogconfest type deal starting now where you write a 100 word sentence and the winner gets the best prize of all (sheets of cotton with pictures of dead old people on them and small blue and red fibers woven into it!)  My entry will come sometime this week.  It will clearly win as I am like Mozart except only I use words instead of whatever Mozart used.
-You can vote for Alex Cavanaugh's CassaStar book trailer here.
-It's 2011 now.


Here are the results of our latest poll:
Q:Your plane is about to crash on a tropical island. You can only salvage one of these random things to use. Which is it?

Spaghetti Strainer (1)
Uses: this can be a really sweet helmet type thing as modeled by Rick here.

You could also use it practically to pan in the sand for crabs or mollusks, so not totally useless.

Picture book about narwhal whales (1)
Did you know that the narwals' horn is actually a long tooth?  Well you will right before you die alone on a tropical island if you pick this item!  Practically only usable for about 40 seconds of kindling you could have got from a coconut tree.
Let us gingerly touch our tips!

More than half empty bottle of cognac (6)

Wow.  Might as well have just made crack an option with you degenerates voting... "okay what are my choices?  Oooh, alcohol!  Yes!"  Fortunately for you lushes it is also the best choice given.  The alcohol can be used as an antiseptic and the remaining bottle can be used to make a solar still and collect condensation as dehydration would be your biggest concern. 
Hair dryer(1)
Come on ladies!  This was an obvious trap item... and it worked on one of you.  What are you worried you might need it in case you are rescued?  Really not much use out of an inert dryer.

Screw (2)
This is actually a pretty decent choice.  You can use the pointy end as a knife to cut coconut husks and poke out the germination pores for the milk.

Volleyball(2)
Everybody need somebody.  At least you won't die aloneish?

Teddybear(2)




It's no worse than the volleyball, but it is pretty useless.  The people who picked this are likely the people who back in 4th grade died of cholera in like a week in Oregon Trail and wondered why.  It's okay, I just shot squirrels the whole time.  

If anyone has any other perceived uses of the items, go ahead and throw them into comments.  New poll next week. 
-Chris