Monday, September 19, 2011

Worst Movies Blogfest

Good Morning.  It's time for another Alex J. Cavanaugh signature blogfest!  Today I'll take you on a magical journey through the worst 10 movies I remember watching.  I'll be honest.  I have a decent eye for movies.  Mostly I avoid movies I know will be bad.  The Mrs. on the other hand?  Not so much.  Her picks account for a majority of the worst movies I've ever watched, some so bad I can't even recall them to put them on the list.  Here's what I do remember:

10 Captain America
This one was terrible because it completely blindsided me.  Good actor and cast overall.  Great previews... and then Bam!  Let's fight over a Norse Crystal of Legend during WWII with giant unrealistic tanks and bad laser effects.  Come on Marvel!  You just made a good Thor movie.  How hard can this be?

9  G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra
Tough concept, but still.

8  Steel Magnolias
I know there are some out there who would argue this pick.  I had to watch this in 8th grade.  The teacher (who I'm pretty sure was evil) put these movie on a list for us to vote off of:
-Tommy Boy
-Billy Madison
-Steel Magfrickenolias
Knowing the guys would split their vote the girls got their way.  I immediately left the classroom after and punched a kid and peed on a fire hydrant just to regain a small fraction of my lost manhood.

7 Ghost Ship

Transformers 2:  Revenge of the Fallen
Spoiler alert!  The revenge of the fallen is that you have to sit through this movie.  shhh.  don't tell.

5  Babylon A.D. 
Vin Diesel in a sci-fi?  Worked in Pitch Black.  Not here.  It's one of those where you go, wait! What???  That's the "plot?"

4  Larry The Cable Guy:  Health Inspector
The pride of Nebraska right here.  The film opens with Larry peeing in the shower.  It pretty much doesn't get any better from there.  After watching it I wrote a letter to the studio asking them to change the copy on the cover to, "They'll give anyone a movie."  Did not take.

3 9th Gate
I've never laughed so hard or long at the ending of a movie.  Literally five minutes.  This movie is great for 9/10's of it and then bam!  Wait a minute... it does suck!  And it's so jarring it's comical.  Almost worth a watch just for that.

2 2012
Because of my VIP hollywood access I was able to procure a copy of the original script for this movie.  Ready?  K. 

[The earth splits open.  Insert 1.5 hours of cgi effects.]
Cast:  Oh noes!  Ahhh!  Save us and stuff!

[They all get on Armageddon boats.  One narrowly misses Mt. Everest, which is now a small peak sticking out of the ocean. There is an emotional speech about how if we can't save everyone why even go on?  Insert more cgi.]
Emotional speech giver:  If we can't save everyone why even go on?
Cast:  Oh noes!  Save us more!
[At the last minute they miss the peak and don't die.]
Cast: Yay!

1 Valentines Day
 This movie was worse because we watched it with friends.  Both girls thought it looked great.  I had to explain to my wife that if the preview flaunts the actors, has no good quotes, and you still don't know what it's about at the end of the preview... don't pick it.

That's my list.  It's infallible.  L8ter. 

Next person on the tour: Lydia



  1. "Larry the Cable Guy" should've been a big tip-off that movie was going to be bad. I did like Captain America though.
    Thanks for participating in the blogfest!

  2. Thank you for picking Captain America, I hated that movie. It was just godawful. And I love that you were able to get an original script for 2012. What a mess!

  3. Transformers 2 made my eyes bleed. Seriously. The damn cgi robots were moving around so fast I couldn't tell what was happening. Or maybe I dropped my 3D glasses.

  4. 9th gate, ghost ship... grrrr!
    the rest i am going to have to agree!
    i love bad/worst movies, these lists are tough!

  5. Though I agree with the rest of your picks, I actually liked Captain America. I didn't get into Thor at all.

    Oh well... you can't win them all!

  6. Though Revenge of the Fallen certainly didn't keep me on the edge of my seat, I didn't find it the worst offender of any movies out there.

  7. Haha. How funny. So, how about next time you see a GOOD preview, let me know so I don't have to waste my money.

    I agree with the rest of your picks, but I DID like Captain America. I didn't love it, but I didn't think it was horrid. (I'm also not a huge fan of movies with WWII as setting, other than Indiana Jones)

  8. I haven't seen most of these movies (except for Steel Magnolias which I do happen to love) but I love what you wrote about Transformers 2. I'm embarrassed to say I actually saw that one in theaters.

  9. I have just one thing to say: GIT R DONE!!
    Great list!

  10. Ew. Yeah, these sound awful. The one good thing about having kids is I have no time to see movies and discover, after the fact, that they sucked.

  11. Goooooooddd call on Babylon A.D. It was so bad, my brain shut it out. It's based on a 700 pages ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE TO ADAPT novel by Maurice Dantec. Mathieu Kassovitz's ego was probably the only entity that believed this could be resumed in a 90 minutes film. Seriously, the book has material for a trilogy. It was so condensed nobody had any idea what the fuck was going on.

  12. Captain America was that bad? Luckily I never saw it in the theater then. I'm a big Johnny Depp and John Cusak fan, but those two films did suck. Good list!

  13. I've read a lot of positive things about Captain America--but I haven't watched it. I guess I should rethink doing so? :P

  14. I thought of Larry the Cable Guy. His movies almost made my list. I'm starting to see a lot of Babylon AD today too.

  15. I'm glad I skipped the 2012 boat, because nobody had anything positive to say. And I never understood the point of Valentine's Day, unless it was to break some record for squeezing the most famous people into one film.

  16. Except for the Ninth Gate, I agree with your list (the one's I've seen anyway). I'm starting to think I'm the only one who liked that movie.

  17. I got into an argument with someone I didn't even know on FB about how stupid Captain America looked. I didn't even bother seeing it, but whoever this guy was definitely got offended! 2012 was lame-o for me too, but I did like Valentine's Day!

  18. oh, I forgot about Ghost Ship...

  19. What, you want a plot in your movies??? Gasp! ;)
    Great selection.

  20. I love your 'insider' 2012 script. I can't believe they strayed from that and added dialogue. ;-) It was so much better the original way. Aaahs, save us is classic movie dialogue.

  21. Transformers - GAHHH!!! I would have put that #1! I agree with your list (at least the movies on it I've seen) except for #1. I am clearly a girl. I loved Valentines Day!

  22. Although I love Steel Magnolias, I can sympathize with your 8th grade offended manhood.

  23. Ditto on Lisa Potts, but yeah, fortunately, I haven't seen any of the others. Though hubs has been eyeing Cpt. America. We shall see.

  24. This is a bit late...but thanks for the laughs - I needed that.