Thursday, June 2, 2011

Question: Funny On Command

Hey folks!  I need more ?'s and participants for MTMWT.  If you have interest in either give me a holler via email or comments.

This week's question comes from Janet Sumner Johnson of Fairfax, Delaware.  Janet writes:

Dear Chris,
I hope you got the $5 I sent with this e-mail. I inserted it in the slot on my console. Crossing my fingers it gets me on your blog.
My question is about humor since that seems to be your thing. My husband and I have this disagreement, and maybe you can settle it for us: Is it possible to be funny on command? If so, prove it. :)
Your faithful follower in Fairfax

I am going to assume you are not asking if I can fart on command (yes btw,) which is hilarious.  But rather I think your question is focused around being at a party or some other interaction and someone says, "Oh, hey, this is Chris.  He's funny.  Chris, say something funny."
That is what I refer to as funny man's kryptonite.  It's not that I can't come up with something funny per say, but that I don't want to waste any good one-liners with such a poor setup and such high anticipation.  The person has this unrealistic perception that I'm going to juggle pies or something, and I might just do that, but it isn't as funny if people are expecting it and I'm just carting pies around for nothing.  

Good bail outs:
"Oh, __insert_name__ you're so kind!  This guy is really kind.  Go ahead, do something kind.  Like right now.  In front of me."

"A blond a brunette and a redhead walked into a bar.  None of them would go home with me."

"Something funny.  Oh, I kill me!" <Then laugh like it was funny for an awkward amount of time, stop and then laugh again.  Add in some coughs and wheezes too.
Really this is a terrible situation to be in and the best way to be funny is off the top of your head and by drinking large quantities of alcohol.  


p.s. How old is your computer to have a slot?  If the fiver starts smoking, take it out and mail it to me. 



  1. I really don't know why people have to make such a big stink out of people being funny. High expectations lead to low valleys of disappointment. Thank goodness you use your power of being able to fart on command for good, rather than evil.

  2. Well, I would email you Chris, as I have a question and I'm willing to talk about Music I Make Write to, but I can't seem to find your email on your blog or blog profile.

    Why must you make it so difficult on your poor fellow writers?!?! My mind is full of characters and narrative and interiority and alliteration and imagery... I have trouble with simple tasks like email or brushing my hair. Help me? ;)

  3. I like the first one! Maybe juggling penguins would be funny? You do carry spare penguins with you at all times, don't you?

  4. You're the funniest guy I know, but you do have a point about that being a total set-up. I'm mean please, I'm at a party for god's sake, don't try to put me on the spot.

  5. The first one is perfect! And I do think you could be funny on command. If someone does demand you to be funny, you could always fart on command. Farts are always funny!

  6. I was wondering about the smoke coming from my computer ... ;)

    And I do like that first one ... Though if you were juggling pies, you could accidentally miss and hit the guy who commanded you to be funny in the face. I'd laugh.

  7. Ooh, I'm totally going to have to remember the "You're so kind" retort. Good one!

    Funny isn't forced. Funny happens. Like shit, only way better!

  8. Funny on command? Easy.

    Original? A little more difficult.

    I have a joke I use whenever someone wants 'funny in an instant.' What do you call a fish with you eyes? FSSSH... (it makes more sense when you say it, and not read it)

    Thank you. I'll be here all week.

    MOPI: Today's Post - It's Raining Men flannel...

  9. I agree with Funny on command can be easy, but original is another thing. I did like your bar joke though.

    And that five dollars ended up at MY blog. But I don't have to give it back, do I? Damn interweb.

  10. You are funny on command. Just don't be funny while commando.

  11. You can only be funny on command when banana peels or other physical gags are at play. FACT

  12. hey, thanks for the reply on my blog, like i said there, do not reply those scam emails, i'll tell you why in a future post.