Thursday, April 7, 2011

Chris Phillips' Mailbag.

Dear Bloggoverse,

I want to start a segment where I answer people's emails or questions. Unfortunately, I'm not popular enough to get emails about anything other than male enhancement or sending money to Africa (dudes, I'm going to be so rich real soon.) So I need to open up the floor. Email me or leave a comment, whichevs. I'll format one question a week like this:

This email is from Roger in Zambia. Roger writes:

Dear Mr. Phillips,
Do you want to send me some money here in Africa? I have come into the fortune of Prince Waunzooba of the Himbautoo peopl. However, do to the red tapes I cannot free the money. Any investors who invest the $10,000 will get at least $750,000 in return when the full fortune is transfered to the Uninted Statez.  Please act quickly I have several investors ready to invest, but thought I would email you first on your hotmail account just in case.


Then I'd answer the question like so:

Dear Roger,
At first I was skeptical of your email. Fortunately for you the signature read "sincerely" so now I'm just going with it. I would love to send you some money. With the returns you were talking about I would like to invest the full $100,000 my Nana left me when she passed. However, the government has it in some kind of trust that I cannot get out without major penalties. So If you would just send me $20,000 I can get it out, then give it to you so you can get your money out. Dude, we are going to be so rich! We are going to build a fort from our money with a working money draw-bridge. I was thinking about building a big vault and filling it with cash and gold coins like Scrooge McDuck and then swimming in it. 

Here is a sketch I made of the plans

Let me know what you think, bro.

Your Pal,
Chris Phillips

So that would be the basic format.  I would try to do one a week until the money comes and I'm WAY too rich for this place.


  1. Something tells me that you will receive more letters from Africa now.

  2. There is nothing better than effing with spammer/scammers. Did you ever see my Facebook scam post?

  3. Dear Mr. Phillips,

    Have you ever considered just having one "l" in your name? It would make it easier to remember. Just a suggestion.

    It's come to our attention that your posts are simply too funny. People have had fits. Comedians have lost their jobs. Milk has been squirted out of so many noses that it's now curdled and we are facing a Spoiled Milk Emergency (S.M.E.).

    Stop laughing, Mr. Philips (see? much easier), this is an important matter that needs to be addressed immediately. Please reply with a list of ways you will make your blog and person less funny.

    The world depends on it.


    The Anti-Joy Committee
    (for the protection of downcast citizens everywhere)

  4. I love a good spam email. I don't know what's more amazing, that they still send them or that people still believe them.

  5. I was chuckling throughout the entire post, and then you whipped out the Ducktales.

    15 minutes before I read your post, today's netflix movie came in the mail. What was it, you may ask? Ducktales: Season 1, Disc 1.


  6. That was hilarious! I suddenly have an urge to watch Ducktales.

  7. Dr. Mr. Phillips,

    Are you interested in being an online sugar daddy, whereby you sent me money to support the lifestyle of a relatively successful writer, and I will can you Pooh-bear and daddio and talk about how generous you are.

    See, I can't do the real thing, because HWMNBMOTI would take issue, but probably he'd be okay if it was only in writing. I'd be willing to cease and desist posting naked man butts as of the arrival of the first (large) check...

    Sincerely, Can't Hurt to Ask

  8. Pure genius, dude! Why didn't I think of that?

  9. Hahahaha! I'm going with Elena Solodow's letter. I'd love to see an answer to that one!

  10. LII, Ducktales A-oooh-oooo!

    Matt, had not seen it, good times :)

    Rachel, already wrote it and cued it up for next Thursday.

    Keep the questions coming, and don't think they all need to be scams, just simple questions will do.

  11. Dude, you're funny! Why not have a contest where you set the stage and others reply? This could be hilarious!

  12. Aha, I have quite a few of those types of questions I could send your way. But I'm sure your email box has already been littered with the same. Hmmm... I will give this some consideration, so many questions... where to start? And btw, I have a good friend who spells her last name the same as yours. So I can remember the name quite well. Don't change it! ;)

  13. Wait. Roger emailed you too?! What gives? ;-)

    P.S. Thanks for the chuckle. I needed it today.

  14. Fun post, Chris....

    I have a question for you...It's very important...More important than a money question...More important than a love question...

    What is your favorite type of lettuce and why?

  15. this was really funny! lets see questions to ask you- I'll post them here- because I don't like people having my e-mail-

    If you could be an Easter jelly bean- what type would you be and why?

    what kind of one sentence story could you make out of these words: Bubble, green, feather?

  16. Ha ha ha...I LOVE it!!! Way to turn the tables!

  17. Can you answer my email spams? It would be more entertaining for me than to just hit the delete button.

  18. LOL, thankfully most spam doesn't reach me nowadays. It's ironic that I get more spam in my work email (with all our IT dept's over-the-top security in place) than I do in my Gmail account!

  19. There's something special about Spam on a Thursday.

  20. What a plan! Good luck with that. :)

  21. After a ten minute laugh,I was able to pull myself together to pass on one of my stalker-emails. If you dare.

    Seeing your email address on (a writing site I didn't know about until these emails started and I've dismissed from my memory) sent tingles through my entire body. A love relationship shouldn't be stopped by distance or race.

    To the amusement of my husband, it's signed by some gal who is still waiting for my delightful reply.

    hehe. Can't wait for the sketch, bro.

  22. Love that plan. But, I hooked that dude first. He and I are going to build a Jetson's flying car together and live in a cave house in New Mexico.

  23. Mi problema es que aún estoy bastante lejos de tener 100.000 $. Por lo tanto solo puedo invertir en una botella o dos de vino a la semana. Saludos.

  24. My problem is I'm still pretty far from having $ 100,000. So I can only invest in a bottle or two of wine a week. Greetings.

  25. Love the sketch of your plan.

    Dear Sir,

    Do your feet often get cold?

    :D Have a great weekend.

  26. Ha ha I love doing this as well... as well as writing fictitious complaint letters, like asking an animal adoption charity when my monkey would be delivered

  27. So funny. You crack me the spam letter reply.