Thursday, April 14, 2011

Chris Phi(l)lips' Mailbag: Simply Too Funny

It's time for our first dip into the mailbag.  This week's letter comes from the Anti Joy Committee from Ann Arbor, MI.  The Anti-Joy Committee Writes:

Dear Mr. Phillips,

Have you ever considered just having one "l" in your name? It would make it easier to remember. Just a suggestion.

It's come to our attention that your posts are simply too funny. People have had fits. Comedians have lost their jobs. Milk has been squirted out of so many noses that it's now curdled and we are facing a Spoiled Milk Emergency (S.M.E.).

Stop laughing, Mr. Philips (see? much easier), this is an important matter that needs to be addressed immediately. Please reply with a list of ways you will make your blog and person less funny.

The world depends on it.

Sincerely,

The Anti-Joy Committee
(for the protection of downcast citizens everywhere)
Anti-Joy Comm.,
First, let me tell you that I have looked into the name thing prior to this.  It seems the Philips corporation holds the copyright to using only one l in Phillips.  They said I'd have to pay them $200 a year to spell it that way and that I couldn't buy any more of those fancy curly light bulbs, so I'm sticking with my original spelling.  I could go to a symbol like Prince, but he already eliminated guitars, ankhs, and the male symbol in one shot, so I don't think I can outdo that.  

Secondly comedians do not really have jobs.  Come on.

Lastly, S.M.E.'s are more commonly known as Soggy Mucus Excretions, a phenomenon caused by too much milk passing through the sinus cavity.  Lydia Kang is going to feature it on Medical Mondays next week, I think.  It is very serious, and as a folk hero, I'd like to do my part.  I have several ideas to make my blog less funny.  I will start by changing my blog background to something with a base color or a flower pattern.  Then I would change my picture to be of me wearing khakis, because everyone knows khakis mean business.  All future polls will be used to compare vegetables like Broccoli vs. Cauliflower. 

Also starting today, my schedule is as follows:  Mondays are for Meat-loafs.  Tuesdays will go from Music To Make Write To to Music From 1947.  And Thursdays I will post pictures of carpet samples.  Carpet samples are quite soothing.

Hope this helps. 

Your Pal, Chris Phillips

21 comments:

  1. What if the carpet samples cause SME? I'm definitely checking out Lydia's post on Monday.

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  2. For a folk hero in khakis... this made my morning! All the vegetables in your poll are gross, though.

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  3. Looking forward to some carpet samples!

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  4. Dear Mr. Phillips,

    We are pleased to hear you have responded so whole-heartedly to our previous letter. Here at the Anti-Joy Committee, we are committed to everyone's disatisfaction. Looking forward to the carpet samples. They're our favorite. Just as long as there's nothing too exciting on them.

    Yours in Unenthusiastic Boredom,

    The Anti-Joy Committee

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  5. I am just glad I wasn't drinking milk while reading this! :)

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  6. "Soggy Mucus Excretions" hahaha!!!!

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  7. I can't wait for the carpet samples. I need to remodel. The old carpet had too many SME stains. LOL :D

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  8. Looking forward to the carpet samples.

    Great question about the name thing.

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  9. Very funny. i like the meatloaf Monday, can't wait!!

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  10. I always look forward to your mailbag :)

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  11. Open mic nights have closed up shop because of you. So sad.

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  12. Love this, Chris! Made me snort, although perhaps I shouldn't admit that.

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  13. Wow, that was gross but entertaining. I'll tell you now that S.M.E.'s can be cured by shoving pencils up the nose. Not only does it prevent the S.M.E.'s from occuring, but it also ensures that no one will sit next to you in public. Ever. Also, when they get shot out during the ensuing laughter, they are mighty good weapons too.

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  14. OMG, you crack me up. I am waiting with bated breath for the carpet samples. I need soothing to get rid of the S.M.E's.

    P.S. I've given you a gift on my blog. Pop by to see what you get.

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  15. LOL! I have my doubts about Meatloaf Monday, but carpet samples... now, that's got my attention. I sort of get how they could be soothing.

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  16. I'm glad you're going to make your blog less funny. This is for a good cause!!

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  17. This make me laugh. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I look forward to your posts.

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  18. Thanks for sharing this, I needed the laugh.

    I'm starting up a 'Critiquing Crusaders' program, where participants in the Second Crusade can find other writers to exchange critiques with or form critiquing circles. If you're interested, come by The Kelworth Files to check it out!

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