It's time for our first dip into the mailbag. This week's letter comes from the Anti Joy Committee from Ann Arbor, MI. The Anti-Joy Committee Writes:
Dear Mr. Phillips,
Have you ever considered just having one "l" in your name? It would make it easier to remember. Just a suggestion.
It's come to our attention that your posts are simply too funny. People have had fits. Comedians have lost their jobs. Milk has been squirted out of so many noses that it's now curdled and we are facing a Spoiled Milk Emergency (S.M.E.).
Stop laughing, Mr. Philips (see? much easier), this is an important matter that needs to be addressed immediately. Please reply with a list of ways you will make your blog and person less funny.
The world depends on it.
The Anti-Joy Committee
(for the protection of downcast citizens everywhere)
First, let me tell you that I have looked into the name thing prior to this. It seems the Philips corporation holds the copyright to using only one l in Phillips. They said I'd have to pay them $200 a year to spell it that way and that I couldn't buy any more of those fancy curly light bulbs, so I'm sticking with my original spelling. I could go to a symbol like Prince, but he already eliminated guitars, ankhs, and the male symbol in one shot, so I don't think I can outdo that.
Secondly comedians do not really have jobs. Come on.
Lastly, S.M.E.'s are more commonly known as Soggy Mucus Excretions, a phenomenon caused by too much milk passing through the sinus cavity. Lydia Kang is going to feature it on Medical Mondays next week, I think. It is very serious, and as a folk hero, I'd like to do my part. I have several ideas to make my blog less funny. I will start by changing my blog background to something with a base color or a flower pattern. Then I would change my picture to be of me wearing khakis, because everyone knows khakis mean business. All future polls will be used to compare vegetables like Broccoli vs. Cauliflower.
Also starting today, my schedule is as follows: Mondays are for Meat-loafs. Tuesdays will go from Music To Make Write To to Music From 1947. And Thursdays I will post pictures of carpet samples. Carpet samples are quite soothing.
Hope this helps.
Your Pal, Chris Phillips