Thursday, January 6, 2011

Probably the Best Query Ever

Hey, kittens.  Today I wanted to make sure you all knew about one of my favorite writing sites on the planet,  I've posted about the website before, but one of my favorite parts is the forum side.  You can get help reviewing your synopsis, query, or first 5 pages.  But my favorite part ever is the World's Worst Query Forum.  We basically just throw down the opposite of a good query when we need a break from the trials and tribulations of actual querying.  Here was the first one I wrote there:

Dear Mr/Mrs. [insert book agent name]  <---- (Can you fill this part out for me?  I'm not sure if you are a dude or a broad and I'm not sure which agent from your agency will want to sign me first.)

I'm querying you because your agency has been responsible for some of my favorite romance novels that I've ever gotten at K-Mart.  It's really good stuff.  While my book is really not a romance I'm sure putting a book together is pretty much all the same process.

Have you ever wondered what happens when you flush the toilet?  You've been told that there are septic tanks, sewers, and facilities that take care of that kind of crap, but have you ever seen them?  Travel into a world of the unknown with John D. Sentari as he braves a baron wasteland in order to untangle a web of lies and deceit.

My Spaghetti-Western-Sci-fi-thirller, THE PORCELAIN RABBIT HOLE, is a fast paced 517,000 word novel that will have you sticking to the edge of your seat by your pants! 

My background is in alpaca ranching.  In my spare time I like to write, paint by number, and do heated yoga.  This is my first novel.

May Shiva smile upon you,

Nigel Habberdash

P.S  Can you let me know pretty quick?  I've got this query out to a lot of people.

Don't forget to vote on the poll on the right-hand side of the page.


  1. Bet you got lots of hits with that one!

  2. This is high-sterical. Great job!

  3. This is hilarious! I especially love the word count.

  4. Alpaca ranching? Ha ha ha ha ! :)

  5. Yes, please, SEND ME PAGES NOW! "Take care of that kind of crap".

    I'm assuming pun intended on that one.

  6. Let's hope Mr Habberdash reaches Nirvana.

    Take care

  7. so good. I love Querytracker. I've yet to venture into the forums, though... perhaps I should.

  8. I'm not sure Nigel could really get this amazing story across in under 600,000 words. Can he flesh out some of the description a little more?

  9. Alex, of course! but i had to turn down all of the offers for anything less than 100k cash advance!

    Elana, sending pages as soon as I find my stapler and to keep all of the cocktail napkins together.

    Amy, definitely should

    Matthew, sure, but it'd just be crap (see what I did there?)

  10. Hilarious! Thank you for the great laugh!

  11. Spaghetti western sci fi thriller sounds intriguing. Clint Eastwood should be interested in the movie rights.

  12. Hahahah...Hilarious:) Thanks for the giggle

  13. oh my goodness this is great if I ever become disgruntled with this process i could actually play a prank like this on agents

  14. ROFL and spitting a beverage on me! I actually have seen the sewer but don't make me go there again :)
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

  15. I love the QT site as well - although I don't know if I've usd th forums. I'll have to check it out :)

  16. Great. I have to pee, but now I'm afraid to use the toilet until John finds out the truth behind the John.

    I've got to get myself over to the forums if this is the kind of stuff I'm missing!

  17. Best I've heard in a while! Love it. :)

    Querytracker is a great site, but I didn't know about this *drums fingers thoughtfully*.

  18. Hilarious!
    One item after another...

  19. Ach! I hate braving baron wastelands, what with all those discarded barons lying about. What would we do if without a hero like John D. Sentari to accomplish such tasks for us?

    Tell you what, if you can cut it down to an even 500,000 and rename it The Fastest Porcelain Rabbit Hole in the West, I'll offer representation.

  20. You got me at the "sticking".