Thursday, January 13, 2011

2nd Best Query Ever

I hope everyone is having a good week.  I am officially enrolled in a creative writing class at UNO and officially a "Maverick."  Who wants to be "Goose?" 

I'm posting another mock query from the World's Worst Query Forum.  I originally posted this on El Trackero Del Queryo.  

Dear Agent,

So like here is what happens...  There is this dude who lives in a hole in the ground.  It is kind of like a sod house but more in the shape of a hole that is in the ground.  

So anyhow he's really short and so is everyone else in his town and they have big hairy feet.  Well this tall wizzard makes him host a party for some other short dudes, but not the same kind of short dudes and they decide to go kick a dragon out of their mountain.  

Some other cool stuff happens like when the first short dude finds a ring that makes him invisible.  He gets it from this crazy looking dude who looks like if Steve Buchemi, Alan Greenspan, the crypt keeper, and lady gaga all had babies and then their babies all had more babies with each other.  And then some goblins and wolf people come and a man shoots he dragon in the only place he's vulnerable and the first short dude gets paid.

My fantasy fiction SOME SHORT DUDES WITH SOME OTHER SHORT DUDES AND A MAN ALL ON A MOUNTAIN FIGHTING A DRAGON  is complete at around 700 words.  It is meant to be a stand alone and there is like 0% chance of series potential.  Most of the people I showed it to liked it when they read it... except Tom.

My background is in arc welding.  But I also am really good at guitar hero and have unlocked all of the beetles songs on the beetles guitar hero.  I have been published before.  Mostly on laffy taffy wrappers.

Thanks and let me know how many pages you want me to send.

Your Pal,

-Nigel Habberdash


Do not forget the poll on the right!

-Chris

31 comments:

  1. I don't know, it's a pretty funny letter. I might want to read it if the MS is supposed to be humorous.

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  2. Sounds like a winner.
    And I want to be Iceman.

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  3. This is hysterical! I needed a break from writing and this was the perfect way to spend it reading your post.

    You are too funny, dude.

    Thanks for the laughs.

    Michael

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  4. Send me both pages of that 700 word masterpiece.

    Too funny, but does your story have any like way smart trolls?

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  5. like WAY smart, melissa. WAY smart.

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  6. Or have much imagination or has smoked 5 joints of marijuana.

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  7. Oh, Tom's just sore you stole his idea and then improved it by adding some more short dudes and a dragon.

    Send me all but the last two words. I don't want to know how it ends.

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  8. I wish you had the Tardis in your poll.:D

    Wow, 700 words of fantasy fantabulousness. Does water melt the bad dudes?

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  9. LOL...I wonder what would happen. I heard about a writer (can't remember who), very successful who decided to query his work just to see what happened. He was turned down by everyone including his own publisher who published the novel.
    Nancy
    N. R. Williams, fantasy author

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  10. I need to go wash out my eyes with repetitive readings of #192 over at the Query Shark blog. Ugh!

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  11. After I posted my last comment I realized I may have been too harsh on Nigel. Or not hard enough. At any rate, Chris, you succeeded on two levels, once with your humor, two in getting me to believe this was a real query letter. Keep working on the latter.

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  12. A 700 word novel!! That has got to be a great selling point!

    Anyway I voted!!! Ka-Pow! Splat! :-)

    Take care
    x

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  13. Can I be Merlin?? :) I always thought he had the coolest call-sign ...

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  14. Hmm. Do they live in Hobbit holes or Port-O-Potties?

    Go on and do your Maverick thing. Don't deny your need for speed.

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  15. ej, good call sign, but do you really want to be tim robbins?

    lydia, I wonder what hobbits (short dudes) use for potties. And if you were here right now we'd do the top-gun windmill high five!

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  16. Thanks for the laugh! I would totally read it. 700 words is about right. :D

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  17. Well, as long as you have a good background in arc welding I'm sure the story will be a hit!

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  18. Loved this query! This querier and I must share the same brain because mine is exactly the same. And 700 words? If I knew I could get away with less than 800 then I would have! I bet this arc welding, guitar hero got signed just like that! I'm jealous.

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  19. ZOMG! Nigel has the makings of successful writer written all over him, how many people can boast of laffy taffy stardomness I hope he made it on the banana flavor

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  20. Hey adding GH to your resume is never a bad thing.

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  21. Hilarious! Who wouldn't want to read more in Nigel's voice? I'm guessing this query would get an immediate response.

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  22. Thanks for the giggle...Have a fantastic weekend:)
    Greetings

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  23. "SOME SHORT DUDES WITH SOME OTHER SHORT DUDES AND A MAN ALL ON A MOUNTAIN FIGHTING A DRAGON" - Aren't they trying to make that one into some kind of movie?

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  24. Brillaint! I would take any part. Very funny post.

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  25. Ahem, it's Steve Buscemi (I should know, it's my last name too.) It's a darn shame to see a perfectly good query letter go to waste because of a spelling error.

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  26. Hysterical. Bet it took about a year to finish a manuscript of that caliber.

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